“Far too much is written about great men and not nearly enough about morons”
A Reviewcap By Sagebeth
In this emotionally turbulent episode we were forced to wait nearly the entire hour for the main event and this episodes namesake: The Mountain vs The Viper. Basically this was a B+ episode with an A+ ending. Considering the wait we had, let me not put this recap on pause any longer and get straight to the fun.
THAT TIME WE GOT TO SEE SOME POOR SOD GET HIS THROAT SLIT IN THE REFLECTION OF A QUANT WELL
“She survived a White Walker for fucks sake – She might have got out.” -On Gillys Luck
What do dirty whores do in the North when not whoring? Burp the melody of the few songs available in Westros apparently. Seriously, it made me giggle but it totally minimizes the vastness of this universe to constantly remind us that everyone knows exactly two songs. Anyway, we are in the gross brothel in Molestown where Samwell left Gilly and she is busy getting patronized and harassed by the burping filthy whore concerning Gilly’s baby acting all baby-like. The nerve! Thankfully (for Gilly only) she pauses their one-sided spat when she hears an owl noise outside. The whore assumes like everyone else that it is just an owl but Gilly’s wildling senses are tingling and she immediately hides with her baby.
Ygritte, and her other wildling cohorts are attacking another defenseless village and there is something memorizing about watching Jon Snows kissed by fire lover just killing folks left and right. We’ve seen her angry and bloodthirsty all season, and she is truly a warrior for her people, when suddenly we get a harsh reminder that this girl isn’t some old crusty killer of the innocent as she spies Gilly and the baby hiding. For a moment we are unsure what will happen but a light shines in Ygrittes eyes and she makes a hand signal to keep quiet. Thoughts on this woman scorned?
At Castle Black, the men have heard of this attack and Samwell is beside himself with fear thinking Gilly must be dead. He at least recognizes how insane it was to send her there. In a surprising move, the other men don’t tell Sam to shut the hell up and instead explain how Gilly has survived so many other things, it is entirely possible that she survived this as well.
THAT TIME GREY WORM WAS INTERESTED
“When the slavers castrate the boys, do they take all of it?” -Dany wondering far too much
It’s bath-time in Meereen so we get an overload of boobies and abs. Basically here Grey Worm spies on a naked Missandei and usually I’d have to call out the creep factor but I actually didn’t the creepy water stalking. It was the following scenes that basically reiterated how this is the weakest plot-line of the season. It seems pointless to have a floundering romance between these two characters as other that delightfully background dressing – certainly not worthy of so much screen time. Anyway this scene led to some girl-talk between Missandei and Dany. I want to point out that Dany is such a kickass Queen because she is totally doing Missandei’s hair – How nice. Basically we learn that neither woman knows if the castration of the Unsullied is taking both the “stones and the pillar” or just one. I don’t see how this could mean anything down the road. We also get another scene where Missandei and Grey Worm discuss their mutual interest. Missandei shocks him by admitting she didn’t mind him seeing her and he shocks her by saying he wouldn’t change his past because it put him on his current path. Cute but blah.
THAT TIME REEK ONLY TWITCHED MILDLY
“Traditions are important. Where are we without our history?” – Ramsey on flaying men
Reek is busy pretending to be – well himself – Theon – to help his evil master (Ramsey) take over Moat Cailin which is overrun by Iron Born. He goes in, and tries to talk the men into leaving peacefully as a way to save their lives. The wicked sick, head man, gives a big hell no but one of his lessors cleaves an axe into his head and awesomely takes Theon’s deal. There is a great moment when Reek thinks he will fail and begins a fast decline back into his Reek persona. Of course this “just” deal is made up by Ramsey so he of course completely negates on the whole thing and tortures, flays, and kills all the men. There is a pretty sick shot of a flayed man that seriously put all or most of The Walking Dead special effects to shame.
As a reward for dealing with Moat Cailin, and winning Ramsey gets something all little bastard boys want: Recognized love. Daddy Roose Bolton gives an impassioned speech about being the warden of the North in the middle of open country as the wind swarms around them before giving Ramsey Snow the ultimate reward: His name. Ramsey Snow is now Ramsey Bolton, acknowledged son and heir to House Bolton. So now not only is NONE of the Starks considered to eventually inherit the North but its all going to go to this psychopath. As the scene ends Ramsey and Reek ride to their “new home” and I may be wrong but it totally looked like Winterfel in the distance. Ahh!
THAT TIME SANSA STARTED PLAYING FOR REALSIES
“Better to gamble on the man you know than the strangers you don’t. You think you know me?” -Petyr
“I know what you want” -Sansa
Littlefinger is being questioned about the untimely demise of Lysa last episode by the head lords and ladies of the Veil. So how does this clever man explain away the murder he committed? Why, he says the crazy lady killed herself. This actually seemed weak until Sansa is called in as a witness. She is introduced under her false name and immediately apologizes to Littlefinger making us believe she is about to tell everyone the truth but instead Sansa does something amazing. Seriously, this boring dull little girl is finally picking up on the games being played around her and decided she better start taking more control of her own destiny. She tells the true tale at first and then completely twists it to make Littlefinger entirely innocent, and perhaps even heroic in the situation. Seriously I’m not the only one impressed with this new lying powerful Sansa – Littlefinger is too.
He visits her chambers later and we get a closer look at this new and improved Sansa. She barely looks up at him as she sues something gaudy for a new dress, and only looks at him when she admits she “knows what he wants”. TEASE! Later, Littlefinger tells us he is sending little Robin into the world for his own good but this is just him taking more power and control. Suddenly, everything pauses as the new and improved Sansa Stark enters the scene. She struts down the stairs, her gown (the one she was making) all feathers and black, and her hair is also now a deep black. Did someone go see Malificent recently for fashion tips? She is the picture of confidence and actually continues her coy flirtation with Littlefinger. So is this what “he wants?”? Sansa, doing her best Catelyn impersonation with more conviction? Is this move for real or is this Sansa getting mister “Call me Petyr” under her thumb?
THAT TIME ARYA WAS SAD BECAUSE SHE COULDN’T KILL JOFFREY HERSELF
“I’d kill Joffrey with a chicken bone if I had to” -Arya being awesome
Outside at the Bloodygate, Arya and the Hound are finally reaching their destination. After a foreboding moment concerning the Hound’s “flea bite” on his neck giving him trouble we get a bitterly bright moment between these two. The Hound actually calls her his traveling companion when asked, and explains she is Lysa’s niece… AND The guard actually looks a bit sad before he shares that Lady Lysa died three days ago. Cue one of the best reactions on this show. Arya just starts laughing. Seriously, the entire universe is always messing with her at every turn so of course girlfriend is allowed to have a quick manic laughing fit when she learns that yet again someone she was turning to for help has died. Jesus christ what do that do now? Does she still get to reunite with Sansa? Do they leave and try to find another relative?
THAT TIME A ROYAL PARDON CAME BACK TO BITE JORAH IN THE ASS
“Who profits? This is the work of Tywin Lannister” -Jorah being wise
Do you remember that short small council scene where Tywin once again started his evil letter writing campaign to battle Dany and her dragons? It turns out he sent over Jorah’s old pardon from Robert Baratheon for his dutiful spying on Dany back in season one. Ser Barristan gives Jorah the heads up about this new letter but also promises he will never be alone with Dany again. Later he begs of her forgiveness in front of everyone in the throne room and Dany is so steamed at this betrayal that she won’t even allow him to see how truly mad/upset he is. She doesn’t want him in her city alive or dead so she sends him away telling him he will never touch her or speak her name ever again. Seriously this feels like a devastating break up between two best friends and woefully Dany is playing directly into Tywin’s hands but spiting up Team Dany and sending away her most loyal of advisors but sadly the entire thing is completely understandable. He rides away from the city, sad. Where the hell will he go now?
THAT TIME THE ENTIRE SHOW IS JUST PEOPLE SMASHING BEETLES
“Who gives a dusty fuck about a bunch of beetles” -Jamie
In a gifted moment we get yet another brotherly scene between Tyrion and Jamie. I notice a lot of reviewers, watchers, and other internet folks generally didn’t see the point of this whole scene but I actually really loved it. Tyrion tells a long story about a simply Lannister cousin who used to just sit in their garden and smash beetles. It emphasizes Tyrion’s own empathy, while nit picking the whole sale slaughter allowed in their world for seemingly no reason – keyly a huge murderer like The Mountain.
Later we make it to the highlight of the episode, which carried quite the shock factor. This scene should be simple. Either the Mountain will kill Oberyn or Oberyn will kill The Mountain but instead we got something else. Tyrion enters and immediately starts pointing out all the things Oberyn may be doing wrong: drinking wine, not wearing armor or a helmet. Oberyn says that “Today is not the day I die”. I really should have seen the writing on the wall here but I still kept hope alive that Oberyn would win and all would be right in the world for the last seconds of the episode but alas it wasn’t.
The fight begins and Oberyn fights the size/brawn of the Mountain with speed, agility, and lovely acrobatics. He also constantly baits the monster: “You raped my sister” “ You killed her children”. We also get some fabulous reaction shots from the crowd. Tyrion looking worried/excited. Jamie looks decidedly hopeful, excited, and finally broken. Cersei and Tywin also wear their best faces as they try to hide there fear, contempt, and finally delight. After some fun action Oberyn manages to slice up the huge mans hamstring, and stab him with his beautiful snake bedazzled pike in the gut. He gets him again and again as the Mountain falls to the ground. Oberyn all but has him but he stops to gloat and continue to press him for a confession for killing/raping his sister. He circles the fallen man and OH NO he gets distracted for a tenth a second by a smile on his lovers face and the Mountain uses it. He grabs his leg, gives him a teeth spitting left hook, and quickly gets on top of a dazed Oberyn in the ring. He then confesses to everything Oberyn wanted while shoving his thumbs into Oberyn’s eye sockets before literally just squeezing his head like a pimple. Pop. WINNER OF THE GORE OF THE WEEK BY DEFAULT. Oberyn screams the entire time until he just doesn’t have a head anymore. His paramour screams in emotionally pain. Cersei looks utterly satisfied. Tywin sentences his son to death. Tyrion looks grimly gobsmacked – much like the viewers. The Mountain seems to pass out next to the smashed head of Prince Oberyn Martell, everyone’s favorite pansexual badass with a sexy accent. RIP Great prince. I should have known you were too cool to stay alive in the hellhole that is Westros.
Until next week: Battle at Castle Black and everyone is invited. Gulp.