Game Of Thrones – S4 – E3 “Breaker of Chains” A Game of Thrones Reviewcap By Sagebeth
THAT TIME WE PICKED UP RIGHT WHERE WE LEFT OFF
“Money buys a man’s silence for a time, a bolt in the heart buys it forever,”-Littlefinger being himself
The episode begins with the epic end of last week installment: Yay for character death! King Joffrey Baratheon is no more and most small animals of Westros rejoice in the prospect of a long life which is the opposite of Mama lion Lannister, Ex-Queen Regent Cersei, who completely loses her mind with grief right there next to her sons dead body. She practically seethes with anger blaming Tyrion for the murder and calling for his immediate arrest right there in the middle of the broken up feast. They almost immediately begin looking for his child-bride Sansa but it seems naive poor little dove Sansa has finally decided to make a move by following her drunken fool friend Dontos away from the murder scene at his bidding. Now this was a move that was both smart and cunning so obviously it was neither Sansa or Dontos that thought of it. As they escape King’s Landing by boat they end up surrounded by fog as they reach their destination: LITTLEFINGER ON A BOAT. Gasp. I don’t know why I didn’t suspect this cold calculating worm of a man to be involved in Joffrey’s murder which is what made this reveal utterly worth it.
Littlefinger oozes slime even when he is trying to be comforting as he tells Sansa she is finally safe now – with him – gulp. Dontos pipes up from his rowboat that he should be leaving but he wants to be paid first. Moron. Littlefinger has his men shoot Dontos dead and Sansa completely freaks in a predictable but needed way. Littlefinger, still completely loving both reassuring and terrifying Sansa, informs her that Dontos didn’t truly care about her because he was following his instructions which is not a fair claim when one of the individuals is dead but is also super cool because that means Littlefinger has been playing a huge role in events off screen. He goes even further revealing her gifted heirloom necklace from Dontos as being actually some flimsy gift of his design — LATER REVELATION! It was probably used to carry poison! Coolness. But there is also something completely not coolness and that is poor Sansa’s eternal position as a captive of some kind. She escapes the Lannisters and King’s Landing for a whole minute before finding herself stuck with Littlefinger. Damn.
THAT TIME #RAPECEST
“A man who thinks that winning and ruling are the same thing…”-Tywin on King Robert
The Tyrell women are in their usual seaside Garden hangout as Margaery laments the loss of a second kingly would-be husband. She is truly in shock and rightfully worries at her own future prospects but Grandma Olenna has some words of wisdom: “The world is overflowing with horrible things but they’re all a tray of cakes next to death” and “You may not have enjoyed watching him die but you enjoyed it more than you would have enjoyed being married to him.” Hahaha. So it seems to the Queen of Thornes that it is all about perspective. Speaking of dead kings…
We get one more moment with the corpse of Joffrey all decked out in his ceremonial er-uh-dead stuff in the Great Sept of Baelor where poor Joff just had his wedding. Don’t worry he doesn’t even get any real respect now in death. Cersei is in full on mourning mode with her youngest son Tommen at her side, and Tywin wastes no time getting his paws on Tommen – the next King. Cersei objects, and for once she is right, as this is not the time nor the place but she is utterly ignored. Tywin quizzes young Tommen on what qualities make a good king. After being wrong a bunch of times Tommen stumbles on the right answer of “wisdom” which Tywin points out was not a quality of Joffrey’s. Sigh. This is super harsh on the still present Cersei who is trying to mourn literally over her dead sons body while her father takes away her other son – no seriously – Tywin leads Tommen out of the room just as Jaime enters. Bonus sidenote: The last thing we hear of their conversation is Tywin about to give him a sex talk. Amazing. The Kingslayer tells EVERYONE to leave the Sept for the grieving Cersei and in response his dear sister asks him to kill their brother Tyrion believing he is responsible for killing Joffrey but Jaime is not as sure at Tyrion’s guilt. Then they begin to make-out, probably Cersei’s go to move for convincing Jaime to do stuff, but she abruptly wants the sexy-action to stop the moment his fake hand touches her face. This pushes some bizarre button in Jaime’s head as he asks the gods why they made him love a hateful woman before forcing himself on Cersei. It begins completely non-consensual but somewhere around the middle Cersei’s feelings seem less decided. I really should just say rapecest and move on but I must reiterate that Jaime raped or nearly-raped his sister next to their dead sons corpse. Ah – True Love.
THAT TIME DEAD MEN DIDN’T NEED SILVER
“I just understand the way things are … how many Starks do they got to behead before you figure it out?”-The Hound keeping it real
On the road hijinks this week with Arya and the Hound gave us a clear reminder that the Hound is not a moral center and it annoys the still slightly honorable Arya. Basically they meet a nice single dad farmer and his young daughter when they rest on their property and Arya smooths over the whole thing by pretending the Hound is her father and that he fought for the Tullys. It works too well as the kindly farmer invites them to stay at his house and share a meal with them. During said meal, after Arya and the Hound do their comedic messy eating routine, the farmer also offers the Hound pay for honest work. Mistake. Later on the Hound robs the man, and his reason to Arya is that the man is too weak to survive so the cute little family is as good as dead anyway come winter. It is very true – that they do not look like ‘winter’ people. So lesson learned? Or fracture in this duo?
THAT TIME WE WERE HAVING POTATOES FOR DINNER AND THEN EVERYONE DIED
“Thank you – For worrying about me” – Gilly being cute
We get a sort of hilarious reminder that most of the men in the Nights Watch are prisoners and rapists as someone like names all of them in the courtyard of Castle Black – “Raper. Thief. Raper. Raper. 9th son. Raper”. Someone who didn’t need reminding was Sam who is spending most of his time worrying about Gilly and her lady parts safety. When he tries to explain his worry over the men even thinking about her she actually throws down a romantic gauntlet and asks him his exclusive thoughts on it. It’d be better if the answer wasn’t that Sam is too busy thinking about men thinking about her to actually think about her. Sigh. So his big answer to this is to take Gilly and her baby to Molestown and set her up in whorehouse as a helper. Dumb idea but I don’t know what the answer should actually be. He makes sure to tell the owner that Gilly is not do any sexy-times work and leaves his crush alone in a cold room with no bed and an open window. This all seems like a terrible idea.
At a nearby village a nice family discusses their sweet plans to make some potatoes for dinner that night. It is so sickeningly sweet we should have known nearly everyone on screen was about to be slaughtered. Ygritte, heartbroken and ready for actual blood, and her fellow wildlings raid the village and kill everyone in their path. Well everyone except for one small boy who they send to Castle Black to try to lure the crows out to fight them. Ser Thorne rightfully calls bullshit on this and for one Jon Snow agrees that they need to stay at their vigil at the Wall. Unfortunately this is too clean so Jon’s buddies who were on the right side of the mutiny at Crasters last season come crashing back home. They had been kept as prisoners by the assholes that took over at Crasters. Now Jon knows they can’t stay at the wall, at least all of them because he knows if Mance gets his hands on the mutineers at Crasters they will find out how unmanned the wall actually is. Eep. Who do you think will volunteer?
THAT TIME DAVOS HAD A EUREKA MOMENT
“They don’t have enough men between them to raid a pantry” -Stannis the King of Comedy
Stannis is celebrating his magic bastard blood leech curse working by killing Joffrey so of course he only looks mildly amused. Davos has done his best to raise him a new army but nothing he does can beat magic leech blood curse so he seemingly can’t win. He leaves to go to his reading lesson with Shireen aka Lobster-Girl and somehow the conversation veers to discussing the Iron Bank of Braavos (The same bank the current crown owes millions of gold to) which inspires Davos! He asks Shireen to pen a letter impersonating her father to get their attention. Cool cool cool. Also funny to imagine the bank getting a letter from Stannis is pink silly little girl handwriting with flower doodles.
THAT TIME TYWIN DENIED IT CATEGORICALLY
“When it comes to war I fight for Dorne, when it comes to love I don’t chose sides” -Oberyn
I had sort of complained when we didn’t get the much anticipated foursome between Prince Oberyn, Ellaria, and some whores back in episode one so of course I was over the moon that we got another sexual encounter for the new couple: FIVESOME. Then in a move I should have anticipated, much like Tyrion walking in on Oberyn in the whorehouse back in episode one, Tywin totally walks into this sex-fest. Only Tywin could break up such an orgy without batting an eyelash. Was this right after his sex talk with Tommen? He questions Oberyn about Joffrey’s murder and he either doesn’t suspect Oberyn or believes his innocence. Oberyn not wanting to miss this opportunity threw back the Mountain possibly raping and murdering his sister in the past. Tywin has the gall to deny the entire thing – I could believe that he didn’t want her viciously raped but he most certainly gave the order for her death IMO. Tywin however is clever and uses the whole charade to offer something to Oberyn: He will set up some one on one time for him and the Mountain if Oberyn serves on the jury panel for Joffrey’s murder. Hell – Tywin throws in a seat on the small council to seal the deal. Wow. This was absolutely not how I pictured this going down. Time to play the ace, Tywin finally admits to fearing the oncoming storm that is Dany and her growing dragons in the east. They need Dorne to present a strong front to her and he rightfully points out that the Dornish people were the only kingdom to never truly be conquered by Targaryens. Oberyn is left speechless for the first time since we met him. Tywin really is always the smartest guy in the room.
What about everyone’s favorite prisoner you say? Tyrion is currently under lock and key where Podrick comes to visit him bearing hidden food and updates on life outside captivity. None of the news is good: Trial soon. Oberyn on the jury. Sansa is gone. He can call his own witnesses but he cannot see Bronn. He awesomely knows if Sansa had any involvement she had no idea, and most of all knows Cersei is not guilty which is ironic because she is the one person who is absolutely certain of his guilt. Until this moment I had held out hope that this trial might actually be fair until Pod revealed that someone attempted to bribe him into testifying against Tyrion. Uh-Oh. Proving yet again at how awesome Tyrion is as a person he immediately begs Podrick to flee Kings Landing before he can be harmed because of this craziness. Lets hope he does! At least they got a heart felt goodbye.
THAT TIME HORSES WERE DUMBER THAN MEN
“I bring your enemies what they deserve” -Dany being boss
Finally Dany and her army has reached Mereen which is protected by super high walls, as rich folks sit and watch Dany like she is a puppeteer. They send out a chosen champion who fully taunts Dany which epically ends with him pissing in the sand. Someone needs to tell this guy that this bitch eats horse hearts and shit for fun. All of her close advisers want to kill this guy and act as her champion but they are all too important to risk so her favorite suitor Daario steps up fully knowing how cool he is about to get. He winks at Dany before he begins his fight with the challenger, who rides a horse full speed at Daario who is just standing there sunbathing. Then right as the horse nears he quickly kisses a dagger before throwing it at the horse. The rider is thrown and a cloud of sand bellows around as Daario kills him. Sweet. This wins my favorite BLOODING OF THE WEEK and trust me I’m just as surprised as you that it was Daario. In an ode to the now dead champion Daario also pisses in the sand. Lovely. Dany steps up now and addresses her audience except she isn’t talking to the masters but all their slaves. She plants the idea of some sort of uprising (“Your enemy is beside you”) as she discusses freedom and what she wants for them. Then she catapults a bunch of wooden crates over the walls and when the break open it is revealed to be filled with all of the broken collars of the slaves she has been finding at every mile marker on her way to Mereen. A final shot of a slave picking up one of the broken collars thoughtfully as a master looks on warily. Dany – I love how you approach every city/battle in a special and different way. This might just refresh your storyline.
NEXT WEEK QUICKIE: CERSEI STILL HATES SANSA. JAIME DOESNT KNOW WHAT TO DO. JON SNOW IS STILL A BASTARD FYI. CRASTERS KEEP THE SECOND GENERATION. BRIENNE IS STILL LARGE. WILL JAIME FIGHT FOR TYRION? BRONN!