Game Of Thrones – S4 – E1 “Two Swords” A Game of Thrones Reviewcap By Sagebeth
It’s backkk! Welcome back for another season of boobies, blood, and some of the best television cinema I’ve ever experienced. It was a lovely episode in general supremely confident in delivering on all/most of the plotlines. The dialogue was great, the scene’s sharp, and tension was glorious. Within the following you can expect a recap of what went down, some speculation, as well as a few book details to highlight what exactly we saw. Also everyone’s favorite title sequence has changed again to include the Dreadfort which is the Bolton estate where Ramsey Snow is keeping Theon. Also they showed the slave city of Meereen where Dany is headed to do some quality sacking. Now lets start at the beginning:
THAT TIME TYWIN STEPPED OUT OF THE SHADOWS TO THE RAINS OF CASTAMERE FOR THE 987TH TIME
“A one-handed man with no family needs all the help he can get” -Tywin on giving Jaime a sword
The hour had a cold open highlighting Eddard Starks family sword “Ice”. It isn’t just any sword but made of Valyrian steel which cannot even be made anymore and in fact there are only three dudes who can actually melt them down and re-forge them correctly. Thankfully, while still riding high on the murders of most of the Starks, Tywin has ‘Ice’ re-forged into two other swords to belong to the Lannisters’ who are in need of their own. After seemingly using the power of his stare to melt the greatsword, he throws a wolf pelt on the flames for good measure. Was it Neds old cloak? Greywind’s own pelt (Robb’s direwolf)? I don’t know but Tywin seems mighty pleased with it.
At least one of the swords is being gifted to Jamie in the next scene and even though he’s shaved his beard and washed off the grim he is still the new and improved Jamie we remember from last season. That is a Jamie who is sick of breaking oaths and promises, and probably misses his honor a bit. This is Jamie who is taking his queues from Brienne. Also lets note how dickish Tywin is for giving his HANDLESS son a sword. It’s like getting him new mittens and expecting him to wear both. Also, naturally Tywin wants something in return and that is for Jamie to go to their home Casterly Rock and rule in his place – This is something Jamie should never be able to do as a Kings Guard but Tywin wants Joffrey to excuse him noting his missing hand. But this is new Jamie and that last thing he wants to do is break yet another oath (even with a sort of honorable discharge) so he tells Tywin something he is not used to hearing: No. Tywin questions what Jamie actually wants and hilariously its supper. Jamie takes this as a win, as seen by his snide smile as he walks away from his father.
Later on Cersei drinks and watches as Jamie is fitted with a golden hand on his stump by the disgraced Maester Qyburn. It’s nice but also a sad attempt of Cersei trying to make him whole again in a way he simple won’t be. It’s also fun to speculate what ailment Qyburn helped Cersei with – unwanted pregnancy? Std? Guesses? It’s as if she knows he’s changed but unfortunately she is one area he hasn’t changed. Hilarious side-note: Jamie waves goodbye to Qyburn with his new hand. Jamie loves his sister and the second they are alone he tries to bone down but she rebuffs him and we learn she has been doing this since he has returned to the city. Cunt. He just wants some genuine love from her and Cersei seems so over him. She explains in a completely nonsensical cruel way why she just can’t: He took too long getting back to her. I reiterate: Cunt. Jamie is at least smart enough to assume shes sleeping with Qyburn – That is how Cersei gathers power right? With her vagina.
THAT TIME NEW CHARACTERS WERE AS INTERESTING AS OLD ONES
“Long sword is a bad option in close quarters. When I pull my blade your friend is going to bleed quite a lot I’m afraid. So many bones in the wrist.” -Oberyn FTW
Waiting on the road for the prince of Dorne (the southern most kingdom of Westros) to arrive to King’s Landing we catch up with Tyrion, Bron, and Podrick. When the Dorne arrival party gets there the Prince is notably missing from the parade. A swarmy member of the party informs us that Prince Doran Martell did not come due to his health so his younger brother Prince Oberyn came instead. Awesomely he arrived wicked early not a fan of the ceremony as well as the Lannisters in general, and is currently in one of the cities brothels with his paramour Ellaria Sand. Sweetly she wastes no time informing that audience that she is a bastard and a base-born making her an insane choice of date especially for a King’s wedding but Oberyn doesn’t give a shit and its cool as hell. This cute spicy sexual couple are browsing the brothel for some extra lovemaking partners which extends to both men and women. Unfortunately we don’t get any foursome action as they are interrupted by the Lannister theme, The Rains of Castamere, being sung by a soldier in another room. Oberyn’s blood legitimately boils at the song and he drops everything to go investigate it. He enters the room, where the soldier is lamely serenading a whore on his lap with the tune. The prince approaches them, his hand sliding over the flame of a candle in the coolest way, and proceeds to quickly gain the upper hand over the Lannister soldier who he stabs through the wrist. Sweet. Ellaria steps in now, trying to reign her lover in by passionately making out with him as his victim spurts blood. This is about when Tyrion finds him, who has been rushing all over the city trying to find him before he can kill anyone, and politely asks for an audience. Prince Oberyn brings on the exposition here: His older sister Elia was the last dragons, Prince Rhagar Targaryn’s wife and they shared two children. This is the same Prince Rhagar who absconded or ran away with Lyanna Stark sparking Robert’s rebellion which was the building blocks of the first season. When Tywin Lannister finally sided with Robert toward the end of the rebellion he sacked King’s Landing and while Jamie killed the mad king, Gregor or The Mountain is said to have brutally killed Elia’s children in front of her, raped her, and then split her in two with his sword. Heavy. So essentially Oberyn flat out admits he is there for revenge which is one of the ballsiest things ever done on this show. “The Lannister’s aren’t the only ones who pay their debts” he intones. Gulp. Take anyone but Tyrion and Jamie!
THAT TIME CGI DRAGONS LEFT ME AWESTRUCK
“They say a thousand slaves died making the great pyramid of Meereen” -fuel to light Dany’s fire
Yay Dragon-kitties! Big dragon-kitties! Dany relaxes with her fave dragon and largest, Drogon as her other kiddies play tug of war with a goat carcass in mid-air. It gets even better as they drop it near Drogon and he joins the eating frenzy. Dany foolishly tries to calm him down by touching him when hes greedily eating and he snaps at her. Shes surprised. Ugh. Dany I love you and hate you. Of course Ser Jorah sees this whole thing go down because hes watching her – why wouldn’t he be?! He approaches and reminds her that they are damn dragons and cannot be tamed.
Later she goes to meet with her army and is annoyed to find both Daario and Greyworm missing from the morning meeting. So she goes to find them ‘gambling’ or rather having some sort of survivor immunity challenge involving holding their swords with their forearms for hours on end. Also can we note that Daario is a totally different actor with completely different features then the last? I like the new guy better though if only because he doesn’t resemble Fabio. Dany lets them know how super annoyed she is so later on Daario does some much needed repair work to their little flirtationship. He gives her some local flowers as both a romantic gift but telling her it is under the pretense of teaching her about the local culture. He tells her if she wants them to follow her she must become a part of their world. I have to wonder if having a massive army and dragons is a free pass to not joining their world. But who cares because it was just an excuse for Daario is flirt with her. Sadly this short happiness cannot last as she is called to the front of her army as they march on Meereen. There is a crucified little slave girl set up as a mile marker pointing toward Meereen. The slave masters from there have heard about Dany and posted this as a warning to the Khalessi. In a move of extreme overkill they apparently have set one up a mile apart on their march to the city, making that 163 little bodies. Her advisers want to have someone go ahead and bury each dead slave but Dany wants to see everyone of their god damn faces because is there is one thing Dany does well is rage up and breath metaphorical fire while letting her babies breath real fire. Why on earth would they wind her up like this? Don’t they know who they are screwing with? Kill these assholes Dany.
THAT TIME SHEA THOUGHT PIGEON PIE WAS APPETIZING
“Your mother on the other hand – I admired her. She wanted to have me executed but I admired her.”-Tyrion
Sansa is eternally sad due to her families demise and its utterly expected but what I didn’t expect was for her too be so sad she doesn’t want to eat any lemon cakes. BLASPHEMY. Tyrion is bummed too because he cannot help her and seeing him doesn’t exactly help her. She ends up peace-ing out to go sit in the Godswood where at least no one will try to talk to her. Jokes on her though because someone is in fact there watching and following her. It’s frightening until we realize its just the court fool: Ser Dontos who Joffrey tried to drown with wine on his nameday in season two. He gifts her with the last bit of luxury from his dead house: a family heirloom necklace which she ends up promising to wear.
Back in Tyrion’s bedroom Shea is reverting to her whore roots and trying to desperately sex Tyrion who truthfully doesn’t want any of that right now. He sort of respects Sansa, his family is trying to kill him, Oberyn wants to kill all of them, and Shea shouldn’t even be in his room. He’s trying to severally separate himself emotionally from her fearing for her safety still. She impossibly doesn’t understand this still and seems extremely jealous of Sansa. Shea stop being annoying and try being smart. Love is sacrifice you whore. Ofcourse this is also when one of Cersei’s spies catches sight of them.
THAT TIME MEAT TASTED BETTER ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE WALL
“If that boy is still walking, it’s cause you let him go”-Giantsbane
Unexpectedly we catch up with Ygritte, Tormond, and some of the wildlings preparing to march on the wall. Ygritte is harshly making arrows probably imagining shooting them at her ex-lover Jon Snow but a hint at her still active love for the boy is apparent after Tormond explains that Jon wouldn’t be alive if she didn’t want him alive. Their little spat is interrupted by another crew of wildlings coming through their camp. These aren’t any friendly wildlings though but a separate tribe called the Thenns. The wildlings we know and love seem extremely weary of their comrades in arms. The Thenns seem obsessed with weight until we got the big reveal at the end of the scene: They are cannibals. Take that Walking Dead! Just when you thought you had something on G.O.T. they threw down the cannibal card before you could.
THAT TIME THE WALL WAS MANNED BY HEADLESS MEN
“You’re better than me at everything – except reading”-Samwell on Jon
Now no longer bleeding from his fight with Ygritte, Jon slightly mourns the loses at the Red Wedding. He intones his old jealousies of his brother Robb but he would never want something like the Red Wedding to actually happen. Samwell chimes in here that he can relate because of his jealousy toward Jon. I missed these two friends getting some actual one on one time. Note: I wonder if the Thenns will ever get a look at Samwell and just start salivating. Back on track Jon must answer to the Nights Watch command for his actions last season: Killing the Halfhand, joining the wildlings, sleeping with a girl. They want to hang him but Jon for the first time doesn’t seem to care and only intones a warning of the massive army coming to attack them. He’s been through so much and a bunch of mean old men no longer scare him. A fun face in the crowd is the ex-commander of the City watch in Kings Landing who betrayed Ned Stark and way run out of town by Tyrion. Jon should thank Maeter Aemon for dismissing him and believing his story considering everyone else is still pissed. There was also a fun bit about Aemon being able to tell lies from truth because he grew up in Kings Landing.
THAT TIME JAMIE TOLD BRIENNE SHE WAS A LANNISTER
“I broke Stannis on the Blackwater” -Joffrey being insane
Luckily we got to chime in with the Queen of Thornes and almost-queen Margaery while they try to find the perfect necklace for the wedding. Being very funny Margaery quips that she should let Joffrey choose it for her and have it be a chain of dead sparrow heads around her neck. HAHAHA. This is about when Brienne make her entrance, towering over them earning a well placed “My word” from Olenna. This is when Brienne tells Margaery about the shadow-stannis from way back when. Margaery rightfully forgives and tells her Joffrey is king now.
We got a quick look at a crazy amazing statue in the gardens at the Red Keep featuring Joffrey standing victorious over a dead Direwolf and then we transition to Joffrey in the flesh trying on wedding outfits standing the same exact overly victorious way that only this little shit can. Hahaha. Jamie is there to give his secret son the details of his protection plan for his upcoming wedding. Joffrey dumbly thinks no one would dare want to harm him because they know he saved them and the city by ‘winning the war’ that he didn’t fight in. Ugh. Jamie is getting this shit from all sides today isn’t he? Joffrey goes on to throw sand in the wound by opening The White Book which functions as a book of biographies for every single Kingsguard and all of their good deeds. He namedrops a few before settling on Jamie’s tiny paragraph of a page and reminding his uncle/father that he has only one hand now and surely cannot do anything else. Cunt. “How can you protect me with that?!” Joffrey sneers and in yet another awesome move Jamie shows incredible restraint and notes that there is still time for more accomplishments. Why is almost his entire family acting like he cut off his hand for fun!? Jamie you better be rethinking the fruits of your twincest.
Later on, probably getting some much air Jamie is sort of attacked again and this time by Brienne so its less hurtful. She wants Jamie to keep his pledge to Catelyn concerning saving her daughters so Brienne’s promise is actually kept as well. She fears for her own honor as well as his own. Jamie smartly thinks this is difficult considering Sansa is now a Lannister and he assumes Arya most likely dead. You know what they say about assuming?
THAT TIME POLLIVER WAS JUST KEEPING THE KINGS PEACE… HONEST
“Little lady wants a pony?”-Sandor
Now comes everyone’s favorite segment from this new episode and that is some quality Arya and Hound hijinks. Arya is sick of riding cutely on the same horse as the Hound but he doesn’t want her to run away with her own. Arya smartly lets him know that she’d be dumb to leave him considering he’s protecting her knowing she’d most likely die without him. We also find out he has a new plan for her now that Catelyn is dead, he’s decided to bring Arya to the Vale so her aunt Lysa can pay him for her. Would Lysa do that? I wonder if she is even crazier. This is the same lady who was breast feeding a grown child. Anyway this twosome is super hungry and when they reach a tavern they find some Lannister soldiers busy stealing chickens and molesting the Tavern owners daughter. Lovely. Arya recognizes one of the men as Polliver, a villain who took her sword needle (calling it a toothpick) back when she was taken captive in season two. He was the dude who killed her friend by slowly stabbing him in the neck when he was incapacitated by leg injuries. Arya sees red but the Hound does not want to fight all five men while being so hungry. Arya wants blood though and somehow coaxes the Hound into following her to the door where they are caught arguing. Now in sight of the men they slowly enter the tavern. Tension rises.
Polliver recognizes the Hound and starts bragging about all the horrible shit he’s been doing in the Lannister name for the war. Awesomely the Hound begins to dance around him verbally, pressing all of the guys buttons because he wants the chicken they stole from the Tavern owner. He definitely wants to kill them but he also wants Polliver to make the first move. Finally the fight starts and Arya dodges the fray but watches looking for her moment. As the Hound takes on all five men the soundtrack is absolutely silent and its not until Arya makes her move that the music comes into play. She smashes a pot over one of the hurt mens heads, takes his sword and slowly stabs him in the gut and then she takes said sword and swipes at the back of Polliver’s legs incapacitating him. Now laying defenseless on the ground, Arya takes back Needle and utters the same line he told her injured friend back in season two before slowly pushing Needle into his throat. SICK! This wins in a tie for VIOLENCE OF THE WEEK with The Hound somehow stabbing a man with his own knife in the face several times. Sick. Awesome. Gruesomely cool. Arya firmly sociopathic now literally beams with joy at her kill.
Afterward they ride on in their journey with The Hound hilariously indulging on the stolen chicken while Arya genuinely smiles with ease. Needle is at her side and she got her much wanted pony plus she totally killed some men. That has to be like an Arya dream day. The fields around the road burn as these two move forward in their journey.
Did you want to hear from more people? Bran? Theon? Stannis? I’m guessing next week and I’m fine with that. Until next time fiends.