Fast Foward Review: Arrow; Episode 1
Lets try something new. In light of The Walking Dead being on hiatus I’ve decided to dedicate my time to more worthy ventures. Experiment #1, this week, is a little something I’m working on called a Crazy-Fast-Forward-Cap. I will watch an episode of a television show primarily on fast forward, stopping only for anything seemingly interesting, and recapping what I think is happening. This could be a total cluster-F or one of the greatest ventures ever created. Now lets jump right in with A CRAZY-FAST-FORWARD-CAP of a newer CW series recently added to streaming Netflix: ARROW.
Warning oncoming SPOILERS for the first episode of Arrow, and extreme guess work.
A bearded dirty Oliver Queen (Thanks Smallville) can run, jump and climb. Arrows! He fires one and boom. Explosion. Dirty Asian fellows on a boat see the explosion and come and rescue Arrow from some hell-pit island he’s obviously been stuck on for awhile. Also I’m fairly certain dirty bearded Oliver is wearing eye liner. He must be deep and tortured now.
Lost billionaire found! We see old news footage of a cleaner douchier Oliver looking a little gay. A doctor warns sad white lady that new undirtied and unbearded Oliver is… sad? different? quiet? Now they are sad together.
He moves (back?) to a mansion-castle of some kind with… Willa from the OC and GG. It’s his sister and their still super close. Cut to an overhead shot of the city, and Katie Cassidy (Supernatural) making kitschy comments about working in a legal aid office. Shes either stalking or investigating some old white dude but is interrupted in the middle of her stalking by the news about Oliver’s rescue. Past lover? Oops nope looks like hes the lone survivors of a trip he went on with Katie’s sister. She turns off the TV every single one of her co-workers is watching like its not completely insane and rude.
Oliver is shirtless and holy muscles batman! His abs somehow loose screen time to a flashback of the incident that killed everyone but Oliver years ago. Oliver seems very gay until Katie’s sister Sarah comes out of his room wearing only her undies to prove his masculinity. Meanwhile this is all happening in front of his father. Cut back to the present and Oliver’s pal, Tommy, is catching him up on all the shit he missed: Superbowl winners, Obama, how Lost ended. Oliver oddly speaks Russian, a fact his family doesn’t understand, and makes a quip about some random business guy at the table wanting to sleep with her mother aka sad white lady. Turns out they are married. So I’m changing sad white lady’s name to horrible mother because why is he just learning this now? Why do I care? Why is everything on the CW about deep seeded daddy issues?
More flashback of nakey girlfriend and old gay Oliver. Boat wrecks and its a mess of storm, water, and Oliver screaming for Sarah. New Olly “Abs” wakes up and judo chops his mothers neck. Sorries all around.
Later Sister is cutting out lines of pills out with another rich white friend – I’m glad there’s no difference on the OC and Gossip Girl. Olly travels from his ultra rich mansion castle to the city and talks to old girlfriend Sarah’s sister: Katie Cassidy, who I should probably call by her actual character name: Laurel. Ugly girl name. Doesn’t fit. They share a predictable meaningful stare and we learn the fun fact that sister Sarah was also a slut because Olly was actually with Laurel romantically when he and Sarah were sex-boating. Laurel says she still like hates him for basically getting her sister killed and also cheating on her but we know this won’t last long right? It’s CW after all.
Next Olly Abs and quirky friend Tommy are taken by some sort of villian’s in red skull masks and automatic weapons. More flashbacks of Daddy Queen giving his son all the water they have and revealing that he isn’t who he thinks he is. Can you get any more cryptic Daddy Queen? Olly Abs comes out of this flashback to his captors using a taser on him trying to get answers about Daddy Queen. Did he survive? Did he make to the island? If they didn’t already name drop Lost I’d have by now after all this ‘island’ talk. Olly Abs insists that the only thing he knows from his father is that he (Olly) is going to kill them. Cue music and action sequence involving Olly Abs broadcasting how fit he is. It’s actually kind of cool ending with him snapping the neck of the last living captor saying he has to kill him to protect his secret. Dun dun dun.
Olly says his savior was a man in a green hood – ha. The detective taking his statement is a little too critical of the overtly rich newly rescued Olly for this scene to be realistic.
Next up Olly researches the man his ex-gf Laurel was investi-stalking and we spy the mans name, Adam Hunt, on a list in a worn notebook. He’s interrupted to bond with his Russian maid who he seems to actually care for unlike everyone else he’s interacted with.
Heading out for the day, Olly’s horrible mother and her handsome mocha but obviously hiding something husband decide Olly needs a body guard/driver. While driving through the city Olly predictably escapes his guard, leaving no trace to follow. He takes refuge in one of his families abandoned steel mills and shares some of his secrets. He has a plan and he is the man in the green hood… obviously? Olly Abs you are far too serious. Cut to him literally building his own lair. I almost fast forward until the money shot came. Olly Abs shirtless, doing these vertical pullups literally up these ceiling beams… really I don’t know how to explain this but its crazy. He is like jumping without putting his feet on the ground. I think I’m drooling a little. Of course they follow it up with the predictable givaway that hidden inside his secretive locked chest is his bow. Cue random tennis balls dropping for him to shoot. Seriously they just like fell from the sky and he was all ‘target practice time’. He also predictable reveals he is targeting Adam Hunt for those not paying attention. Hell I got it and I’m mostly fast forwarding.
He kills Adam Hunts men and says he wants four million dollars transferred to some account. Hunt tells the authorities everything and the sly detective from before is still pissy and weird.
Now Olly Abs heads to a party for him and Ke$ha plays – ugh. Olly spies sister getting more drugs. He tries to confront her but shes all “I get to be bad now” because traumatic childhood and he did it too. He just steals the drugs and dumps them – Bodyguard/driver sees this and approves from a distance. Laurel visits next to apologize and asks about her sister death. Did she suffer? No. Now Laurel says she can be someone he can talk to because he so obviously changed. It’s lame. He thankfully gets a text that Adam Hunt never transferred the money he wanted. He then pretends he didn’t change and hes still a dickhead and she better make a tree and leave before he hurts her worst this time. Predictable and she is naive as sin for a lawyer.
Olly’s bodyguard makes another appearance, and Olly literally chokes him out so he can go and attack Adam Hunt who happens to be right next door – as per the plan. Arrows, blackout, and much fighting commences. Cops are outside and Adam manages to call them in to help. Olly gets knocked out and has to evade the police like immediately. They track him to the party next door where Olly is back into his party boy costume. He plays dumb and offers a two million dollar reward to anyone who can find a nut in a green hood. This is where I had to start listening closely because we find out that sly detective isn’t a dickhead against rich assholes, he is Sarah and Laurels father. Gulp. He must have had the girls as a ten year old though because this guy is young. He looks tortured and Olly Abs looks a bit sad. Police leave and Olly asks for the party to continue putting on his dickhead mask again
Best friend, Tommy, has been a little weary this whole time already connecting his friend, the savior in a green hood, Adam hunt, and all the nonsense and Olly wants him to just be glad he is alive. Tommy actually looks shocked at his friend for like the first time – finally. Meanwhile, Olly is already electronically stealing Adam Hunts money from his accounts, taking the money he wanted.
More flashback and we get Daddy Queen telling his son to live, and then go back home and right all his wrongs and then he proceeds to take out a gun, kill his friend/partner/other survivor and then himself right after telling his son to survive. Back in the present Olly Abs is sending all of Adam Hunts money to people he wronged. Laurel smiles, as her firm receives calls from people who suddenly had money appear in their account. It gets interrupted by best friend Tommy popping up to remind her that shes actually been sleeping with him lately – explaining his crazy looks he gives her and Olly when they talk. They flirt and laugh. We spy Olly Abs in costume eaves dropping. Ugh CW. Priorities!
It ends with my favorite reveal of the night, proving I am in fact psychic, by showing that the person responsible for ordering the kidnapping of Olly Abs was Horrible Mother who I am just going to have to call Mommy Dearest. She did it to find out what her son knows. Do rich people like not talk to one another? Use your words people.
Any suggestions for more?