Game of Thrones – “Second Sons” Season 3 – Episode 8 A Recap – By Sagebeth
Who doesn’t love a wedding? This episode is one of the most focused we’ve gotten as of late, leaving many characters in the dark, only choosing a select few to bring into the light. Most importantly we spent a lot of time in King’s Landing at the shotgun wedding between Tyrion and Sansa. But, I am getting ahead of myself. First we heard from everyone’s favorite young lady and psychopath: Arya Stark.
WHEN THE HOUND NAMEDROPPED HIS BROTHER KILLING A MAN FOR SNORING
Arya wakes up staring at a large rock beside her head. Idea formed, she gets up lifting said rock above her head like a club approaching a still sleeping Sandor (the Hound). Quietly she closes in, holding the rock above her captors head when both she and audience get a surprise. Sandor is very much awake and being the badass sociopath he is, he offers her a free hit but if she doesn’t kill him he will break both her hands. Gulp. So Arya does the only logical option.
Cut to the couple riding a horse awkwardly together. He cutely offers her a bite of whatever gross food he is eating. She sulks. The Hound doesn’t think the little hellion fully understands how lucky she is with him rather than alone or with someone worse than him. Arya doesn’t think anyone could be worse than him. And the melodramatic bitch award goes to Arya Stark because she should be able to see Sandor isn’t the worst shade of horrible she’s run into. Sandor offers that She obviously hasn’t met his brother (which she has right?). He also has no interest in beating or raping her. This leads to him telling the story about saving Sansa from her would be rapers back in season two, somewhat endearing Arya. He also reveals that he is taking her to her mother and brother at her uncles wedding to some ugly Frey girl at The Twins, hoping to get payment for it endearing both Arya and the audience. Awesomely Sandor tells Arya that they should get there in time for the wedding as long as she stops trying to bash his skull in. According to the musical interlude things are looking up for little damaged Arya.
WHEN THE SECOND SONS CAN’T AFFORD TO LOSE TO BOOBIES
Men who fight for gold cannot be trusted, according the honorable Ser Baristan Selmy. He is describing a group of two thousand men gathering outside of Yunkai’s walls. Jorah gives everyone insight into who these fighters are: the Second Sons. They are a mercenary group, in which the episode is named for, led by a brass asshole with the sick nickname of: the Titan’s Bastard. Baristan admits these men could make the difference when it comes to a battle. Dany, in her secret spy desert hood, decides to meet with the leaders of this group.
Cut to three captains of the Second Sons appearing before the majesty that is Dany. Out of the three new faces the worst of the bunch is the much talked about Titan’s Bastard. He saddles up next to Dany on her Oprah couch, insists she looks like a whore he banged once, and then demands to see her naked so he can decide if she is worth fighting for. He also threatens them all to slavery if they end up facing him in battle. Dany offers them to fight for her. Even though they are sellswords they insist their word is their bond and if they expect to ever get another contract again they must keep their word. After Titans Bastard almost face plants in hottie translators crotch Dany decides to send them off to think about it – with a barrel of her wine. After they leave Dany informs Ser Baristan that if comes to battle that man is to be the first to die. I also wants to point out that Dany barely moved a muscle during their stay, severally giving her a more imposing queenly manner that is intimidating.
Back at their camp, with what looks like just a bunch of dirty men riding horses in circles, the Second Son captains are discussing their options. It is the Titan’s Bastard, some nameless long hair dude, and a hunky wavy haired gentlemen by the name of Daario (think Pitt in Legends of the Fall). These men were introduced in the prior scene but I was so concerned with the horribleness of Titan’s Bastard, I felt obligated to overlook them. The only detail needed is that hunky Daario is constantly intent on making eye sex with Dany.
Back to their meeting: they are first debating the merits of whores versus no whores. This leads to learning that Daario is too proud to pay for sex and also that he fights “for beauty”. This dude belongs on a cheesy novel cover. Back to Dany business, Titan’s Bastard has decided that they certainly aren’t fighting for Dany but they could not win against her either so assassinating her is their best option. Something tells me this guy has done much strategizing. Anyway, to decide which of the three of them will do the deed he gives a whore three different coins and asks her to blindly hand them out to him and his comrades. She dumbly bumbles around with her eyes shut – anyone else find this to be more dehumanizing than some of the vulgarity? I did. And ding-ding-ding. The winner of personally killing the Dragon Queen is Daario. His handsome smile never leaves his face as he chants the Valyrian – All Men Must Die.
The next time we spy handsome Daario he is in disguise as an Unsullied. We flash to see that Dany is in one of the humans most vulnerable position: the bathtub. Her hottie translator was nitpicking Dany’s Dothraki pronunciations before Daario enters and holds a knife to her throat just to get Dany’s attention. She knows he must be there to kill her but why hasn’t he done it? Daario lets the hottie translator go to get truthful: After that last scene between him and his fellow second son leaders he apparently went on to bring up that he wasn’t seeing it their way and he would much rather fight for HER beauty. To prove his story he empties a bag at his side which had his former comrades heads inside – Yes the Titan’s Bastards head was there so all is right in the world. Now he is pledging himself and the Second Sons to her, formally. Dany, nipples everywhere, rises out of her bath and puts on a lovely looking gown-robe in order to receive his pledge. I do want to point out that Daario’s eyes never left hers. Why did Daario do all of this you ask? Because Dany is totally gorgeous. Sigh. About time she got some candy with junk attached.
WHEN GENDRY AND MELISANDRE FOUGHT DEATH TOGETHER – IN BED
Melisandre as arrived back to Dragonstone with Gendry in tow. After gazing at the marvel of the strange yet awesome castle outside he is brought straight to Stannis in his war room. Gendry tries to meet his sort of uncle formally but Stannis inspect him like his cattle spouting that Gendry is blatantly half Baratheon and half low born. Who else wishes he inspected Gendry further (teeth, hair, opened his shirt), driving this scene even more into uncomfortable weird territory. Melisandre already playing Gendry with a soft hand rightfully sends the boy away to a nice room to be bathed and dressed in nicer clothes. Once alone, Stannis is all WTF about her kind treatment of the boy. Melisandre, who is only getting better every episode, compares her actions to slaughtering a lamb. When a lamb sees a knife she panics, and the panic seeps into the lamb meat. Stannis, still seemingly missing the point questions how many “lambs” she’s slaughtered. Melisandre admits to many, and none have seen the blade. Scary but awesome. So their plan is to kill/sacrifice Gendry? No sexy time smoke baby?
Next we go down into the dungeons to find one of the cutest moments EVER! Ser Davos is reading out of the book the little scaly lobster girl gave him recently and my entire heart combusted cuteness everywhere at the sight. In the past I’ve been a fan of Samwell being the best truest and cutest being in Westros but Davos just beat him out. This smuggler turned almost Hand of the king is just lovely. Also his position in the storyline is on the up tick, as Stannis comes down to meet with his old friend turned traitor.
Basically Stannis is uncomfortable sacrificing poor Gendry in the name of Melisandre’s violent and creepy fire god to gain some sort of vague improvement to his journey trying to win the crown so he does the only thing he can think of: Visit Davos. Davos, to Stannis, is essentially his conscience. Figures Stannis would lock his conscience up behind bars. Davos also represents everything that isn’t Melisandre which is a viewpoint Stannis very much needs. However Stannis is obviously favoring the sacrifice comparing “one bastard boy to the entire kingdom” but he obviously wants his boy Davos back by his side so he frees him from his cell one the promise that he won’t try to kill Melisandre again. Davos says he will but he also promises he won’t be able to not speak out against her. This is exactly why Stannis needs Davos around so SOLD.
During this scene we are also treated to some telling information concerning religion for both men that resonates even today on the subject. Davos thinks the gods are mere stories to keep children from lying the dark afraid of things like death. Stannis counters, teasing about the vision in the flames he had back in the season two finale calling it a “great battle in the snow”. According to Stannis, between that and Davos legit seeing the red lady give birth to a smoke assassin baby how could they not believe in her fire god? How could they deny that it is real especially when it is the only deity prayed to on this show that has seemingly answered back in very material real ways. Yet he also seems like a right asshole. Say, a singular god who sort of acts like a dick? Hmm commentary – anyone? Ha.
Later in the episode we catch back up with Gendry who must be just as confused as Theon – wherever he is. In his luxurious ocean view room, Melisandre continues her seduce the boy game. She gives him fine wine as well as a hearty stew that leads to them both recalling their lives in poverty. In true Melisandre fashion she goes right back to talking about Gendry having a “power inside him that he can’t begin to understand”. Gendry tries to hold out, probably sensing the danger but also who can turn down a hot red head jumping on your junk asking you to “fight death” with her. But this isn’t a pointless sex scene – the audience like Gendry knows something is not right about this entire situation and that is proved when Melisandre begins tying Gendry down to the bed with well hidden leather straps, in a bad way. Right about now I am saying goodbye to the handsome Gendry expecting Melisandre to make this quick but instead she produces a bowl of leeches. Still gross but not that bad. She begins putting a couple on his chest. Then she puts one on his engorged junk and it gets that much more bad.
This is about the time Stannis and Davos strode into the room, finding Melisandre still nude and Gendry with leeches on his chest and genitals. Apparently the plan to sacrifice the lamb has been moved until Melisandre can show Davos some more proof about this power in kings blood. Stannis takes all three of the now full leeches to an open fire and throws each in after saying a usurpers name: Robb Stark. Balon Greyjoy. Joffrey Baratheon. Melisandre goes so far as to call this a demonstration to give Davos some of this proof he wants. How enticing.
WHEN TYRION WAS LEGIT THE GOD OF TITS AND WINE
Sansa, being prettied up for her wedding, looks at herself in the mirror, her old doll sitting in the camera frame – the same doll her father bought her, the same doll she held for security during the Battle on Blackwater Bay. Tyrion arrives to have a quick chat before escorting her to their rushed wedding. Shea once again not leaving Sansa’s side is forced to depart when Tyrion instructs Podrick to take her to the ceremony. Alone now – Tyrion in a red leather number and Sansa sporting a dress that makes her hips literally stretch across the room. Trying to ease her pain, but badly stuttering like a schoolboy Tyrion lets her know that he didn’t ask for this but after they are wed she will no longer be a prisoner but his wife. This of course spurs Tyrion the clever to spout that perhaps that makes her a different kind of prisoner. Ha. However sadly, Sansa is beyond comfort especially from him.
At the Great Sept of Baelor, Margaery finally hit’s a snag in her game. Hooking her arm with Cersei’s, Margaery laments that they, the two women, are going to be sisters and therefore they should be friends. Cersei looks down at the human contact with thinly veiled disgust and proceeds to walk with Margaery down the stairs while verbally tearing her apart. Cersei brings up the song “The Rains of Castamere”, a favorite in Westros for sure, and explains the known story behind the song. It has something to do with Tywin literally smacking a House out of existence. This House, House Reyne, was once the second wealthiest house in the land. Now Margaery’s family holds that title. Cersei ends her threat by hammering home her point: “You ever call me sister again and I’ll have you strangled in your sleep”. For the first time Margaery loses her political mask, showing how far Cersei has metaphorically cut.
Sansa prepares to walk down the isle looking about as happy as she should look when the metaphorically boot drops and Sansa sees that her situation as always can get worse. Enter King Joffrey who plans on walking her down the isle as a stand in for her dead father, who he killed. Sigh. Of course out of everyone there Joffrey is the most happy participant. He is practically giddy at the prospect of utterly embarrassing and humiliating Sansa and Tyrion. At the alter he snipes Tyrion stool. You see in the ceremony the man is supposed to literally drape his wife with a cloak symbolizing his protection over her and Tyrion needed the stool to scale Sansa’s 11 foot frame. Therefore what follow is a long awkward moment of Tyrion struggling to complete the task finally ending when he just asks Sansa to bend down.
Later on, in celebration Tyrion is properly living up to his notoriety of being a drunkard by getting properly wasted. Tywin is obviously annoyed and tries to instill the need of Sansa getting pregnant. In what world does Tywin think he is helping that situation right now? Tyrion utterly not caring a lick, lets Tywin know that he is the god of tits and wine. And we need shitfaced Tyrion much more often. This transitions to Tyrion saluting poor Loras who is in the balcony looking glum about his circumstances. He spies his bride to be, Cersei, and approaches her in an attempt to find solace. Of course if Loras were smart he’d know that was a poor move from the beginning. He begins to speak – “My father on-” and Cersei proceeds to interrupt his silly comments by telling him no one cares and just walking away. Initially I thought Sansa had the worst end of this marriage stick but now I’m thinking Loras is the true ‘winner’.
Nearby Joffrey decides the absolutely only thing he wants to do at his uncles wedding is to harass and terrifying Sansa. He threatens to come and rape her in the night. Personally I never imagined Joffrey as actually begin a sexual being until he got close to Margaery so I do find this threat fairly scary. Of course it also has the desired effect on Sansa: Absolute fear. Joffrey then decides to try to whip the crowd into starting a bedding ceremony. This is a Westros tradition in which all the men strip the bride, and the women strip the husband, and then joyfully take them to their bedchamber to consummate their marriage. Thankfully this doesn’t happen, but unfortunately it is because Tyrion has finally snapped after all of the humiliation. He pulls a knife and stabs it into the table threatening to cut off Joffrey’s manhood forcing him to use a wooden appendage instead. Heh. Joffrey seethes that anyone would dare utter such a thing. Tywin saves Tyrion giving him the idea to pretend it was a bad drunk joke but I’m no one is fully believing that. He goes on to mock the size of his own junk then inviting Sansa to bed while comically talking about once puking on a girl during the act. Oh Tyrion. As for the size stuff, this entire thing feels so baselessly awkward and even more uncomfortable because even though we all know this is a fictional character there is a real man under there with real dwarfism.
Back in their bed chamber we get the rude awakening that Sansa is only 14 years old. Tyrion wisely says “Talk won’t make you older” and Sansa gulps down some wine before starting the long process of disrobing. Tyrion drunkenly watches her, but his gaze is as if he is watching an angel. At her last layer he tells her to stop. He can’t do this. He amends that he can in fact commit the act but that he WON’T do it. He will not share her bed until she wants him to. Sansa’s response of asking “What if I never want you to?” goes on to break everyone’s hearts. Tyrion, always the clever, says then his watch begins pretending to have taken the vows of the celibacy of a Nights Watchman. Of course in true fashion the scene ends with Tyrion comically collapsing onto a couch off screen. We hear the crash of his body and twist of his leather clothes and then get a visual of handsome Tyrion passed out on the couch. The next morning Shea comes in with breakfast, and loud noises to upset the hangover she knows Tyrion has. Her parade of angst ends though when she begins to strip down the couples bed and finds evidence that they did not sleep together that night. She’s suddenly back to Shea the funny whore.
WHEN NORTH OF THE WALL GOT A LITTLE HITCHCOCKIAN
Sam and Gilly are making good progress to the wall as they reach one of the Heart Trees next to an abandoned broken down cabin. It’s as good of camp they are going to get for the night. While Gilly gathers firewood, Sam holds the nameless baby and watches as two crows land on the branch of the tree and squawk at them loudly. After the sun has set Sam is still trying and failing at lighting a fire. Silly highborn. Gilly gets that shit done but in the meanwhile Sam suggests she name her son. Gilly is unsure, mostly because she has known exactly one man – Craster – who was her father, husband, and abuser. Sam gives her some examples of other names, and also a quick lesson about first and last names. Suddenly they are interrupted by very loud squawking outside.
Sam goes out initially alone, sword in hand, but Gilly joins him right after and they both find hundreds of crows nestled in the Heart Tree screaming at them. Cue the unexpected. A white walker begins approaching them from out of the forest. Gilly, horrified, thinks its come for the child aka the expected offering. Sam tries to halt the walker with the most bravery I’ve ever seen on him but before his sword can do much the walker simply grabs it and freezes it on contact until it breaks into thousands of pieces before tossing Sam aside and heading straight for Gilly and the baby. Sam, a new man, gets to his feet and pulls out his last weapon, the historical dragon glass dagger. He stabs it into the walkers back which finally reacts with pain as its whole body begins to freeze around the wound until finally much like Sam’s sword the walkers body explodes into a frozen dust leaving the dagger in the snow. Here is where I initially got insanely mad that Sam would leave such a precious piece of weaponry behind but upon a second thought and viewing I understand why him and Gilly left it in the literal dust. Right after the walker dies all of the hundreds of squawking crows descend on the couple chasing them into the end credits.