GAME OF THRONES -Season 3 Episode 1: “Valar Dohaeris” Recap.

GAME OF THRONES – “Valar Dohaeris”
“Because the truth is always either terrible, or boring.” – Sansa Stark
Recap, by Sagebeth


Game Of Thrones is back and everything is right in the world. I am more than satisfied with the premiere episode of the newest season so lets dive right into a recap of the events, scenes, and developments made to our favorite families, realms, and the game. This episodes namesake is High Valerian for “All Men Must Serve” which bookends with last seasons finale entitled “Valar Morghulis” which translates into “All Men Must Die”. But this episode is all about men serving something or someone and their struggle with it. We are also treated to a new opening sequence including Dany’s newest destination, Astapor, as well as Winterfel on fire (sick!).

We begin exactly where last season left off: Sam was watching an approaching hoard of a white walker led army of undead toward him and his fellow Nights Watch brothers. The screen stays black as we hear the fighting that took place. I wonder how long passes between the fighting: hours? Moments? When viewers are finally allowed into the world of Westros again we see Sam running/walking through a blizzard. We see a figure sitting on the ground wearing a Nights Watch cloak. Sam calls out to his brother only to find his brother is dead-er-and holding his own head in his lap (I missed this show!). This is when I felt like they kept Sam alive just to kill him horribly in front of us because a white suddenly comes out of the blizzard intent on killing Sam but he is saved by GHOST! (Jon’s Direwolf) and then the remainder of his Nights Watch unit. The still alive Lord Commander is upset at Sam for not following through on his ONE job, to send out the Ravens. Shouldn’t this guy just be impressed that Sam is still alive? I am. Instead Lord Commander put on his good speech pants and tries to inspire his men to get back to the wall to warn everyone about the incoming white walkers and their army.


Ygritte is still walking Jon through the Wildling camp for his upcoming meeting with the king beyond the wall: Mance Rayder. Along the way both he as well as the viewers get their first look at a Giant who has apparently chosen to following Mance as well. I am so impressed with this shows ability to pull off CGI without it looking like a crazy CGI party (including the Giant, the dire wolves, and the dragons). Back to Jon’s little walk: He gets pelted with stones for being a “crow”. Ygritte looks absolutely tickled every time she speaks to him so I doubt her threat at killing him is for naught.


As Jon enters a tent the first man he sees is wearing a beard of power so obviously Jon (and me!) thinks he is Mance. He even goes so far as to kneel to him which entertains everyone watching. But Jon is wrong, the man he is talking to is named Giantsbane (Umm best name ever). Mance comes forward though, a Scottish accent (all wildlings?), and sends everyone away to talk alone with Jon. He inquires Jon as to why he would want to join them and until now I didn’t think Jon would ever be able to pull off actually talking his way into their good graces BUT our man proved me wrong. Mance seems to think Jon’s allegiance is changing because of Ygritte but we all know Jon isn’t swayed by vaginas. Jon turns a bit of truth on its head explaining that he changed his mind about the Nights Watch back when the Lord Commander admitted to knowing what Craster did with his sons back in season two (offerings to some sort of white walker). Jon wants to fight on the side that fights for the living. How beautiful. Mance notes that Jon needs to a new cloak. Ha.


Who would have guessed it! Bron gets this season first gratuitous nude (almost sex) scene. We are back in Kings Landing which is in the process of a great rebuilding from the Battle of Blackwater. Just as Bron is about to orally remove a whores last stitch of clothing, Podrick (Tyrion’s squire) comes in bidding Bron go to Tyrion as it is a matter of life or death. Bron is more than annoyed.
Back in Tyrion’s room he is depressingly staring at his now scarred reflection into a dirty mirror. His pity party is interrupted by his sister and the queen knocking innocently at his door. She hilariously actually says both: That she is his sister and the queen. Tyrion is awesomely and seemingly scared to even open to door considering she already tried to kill him last season. Cersei thinks it’s a bit funny, as if his wooden door could stop her from it. I think its funny because Cersei would never commit the act by her own hand. That’s what underlings are for. This is further proven when it is revealed that Cersei is nervous that Tyrion will tattle on her to their father about all of the crap she has pulled much like he did back when she had a nine year old girl beaten by her guards and he told their father. They then go on to have some smart banter but essentially it is a “you’re stupid” versus a “no you’re stupid” type of fight. These both can do way better than that.
After this Tyrion has Bron walk with him, to protect him. Bron voices his annoyance and need for more money. They have witty banter about Bron being a sellsword who sells his sword and doesn’t loan it out for favors. Ha! The following scene however takes the cake when it comes to being both wonderfully written, acted, and executed.

Tyrion is finally having a sit-down with his father after Tywin has ignored him professionally since he has arrived at Kings Landing. They have a marvelously loaded conversation with much angst, pain, and want. Tywin is pissed at Tyrions whoring ways, thank goodness he doesn’t know about Shea. Tyrion shares at his pain at him not visiting when he was freshly injured in bed. Tywin, logic ever present, says that Master Pycelle said his wounds weren’t fatal (ouch). Tyrion finally point blank begins listing off his accomplishments last season, getting uncharacteristically emotional and defensive. Everything he says is true too and we as viewers just wish Tyrion could get the love he wants so very much but of course Tywin finds a way to break both his and our hearts by winning the entire debate with pure rational and cold logic: “Jugglers and singers require applause. You are a Lannister.” And the debate goes to daddy the douche bag. Tyrion thinking cold logic is the way to go finally admits he wants what should be rightfully his by birth: The wealthy family estate of Casterly Rock. This stops Tywin in his tracks and every bit of rage and bitterness boils out of his mouth as he cruelly cuts down Tyrion: He calls his son an “ill-made spiteful little creature full of envy, lust and low cunning” which is like picking at every soft spot Tyrion has and stabbing it open. That cunning bit even offended me! He also continues with “since I cannot prove that you are not mine, to teach me humility the gods have condemned me to watch you waddle about wearing that proud lion”. Doesn’t this parenting really make you miss good ole’ Ned Stark? Sansa is right. The good ones never live. Tywin finally flat out tells his son to go but not before warning him against hiring whores one last time. Tyrion looks absolutely spooked as he speeds away.

Outside by the bay Sansa and Shea are playing a game. Well Sansa is playing a game and trying to get Shea to play with her. Sansa is imagining what all the ships and vessels in the bay at for. They also all happen to be ships she wishes she were on. Shea, too pragmatic for this shit, wants to know why she needs a to make up a story when she knows the truth and Sansa replies with one of my favorite lines of the episode: “Because the truth is always either terrible, or boring.”. Sansa’s awesome line is interrupted by Littlefingers approaching. After sending Shea back to have a whorey pow-wow with Ros Littlefinger goes on to oddly get creepy on Sansa. The way he promises to get her away from there felt ultra Lifetime-Movie-Rapey. Ros (actually allied with Varys – thanks gawd) insists her and Shea must look out for Sansa with Littlefinger. Good on her because all Sansa hears when he talks is “You won‘t be in King‘s Landing anymore.” I also sort of think Littlefinger even mentioned Arya’s name to hint that he did know he saw her back during his visit to Harrenhal in season two.
Later in the streets of Flea Bottom, the same place there was a riot in which Joffrey got hit with a cow pie, Joffery and his new queen to be, Margaery, are traveling in separate royal crib-carrier thingies. But Joffreys royal non-walk about is put on pause suddenly to Joffreys fright. The whole parade is put on hold when Margaery orders it. Joffrey in utter shock watches as his new lady gets out of her carriage without guards and proceeds to walk down the street side stepping creepy dudes, and feces with a huge grin on her face. Then she heads into what appears to be the local orphanage which must be overrun by soldiers children. She is all over the top friendly and kind to the kids but makes sure to tell the woman in charge to work exclusively through her. This seems to be an early power play in stealing some queenly attention from Cersei and perhaps putting out a very clear image of who she is to the people. A beautiful friendly lovely woman who is a huge foil to Joffrey huge dickhead fearful persona. Anyway Joffrey watches looked completely baffled by her actions.


Later on to my delight we are treated to Margaery and her brother having dinner with Cersei and Joffrey. Cersei coyly insults Margaery’s cleavage baring dress pretending she is speaking about the weather. Margaery in a great show of understanding plays along. Joffrey, hilariously oblivious, offers his new fiance a shawl. Ha. Cersei also expressly communicates her displeasure at Margaerys performance earlier at the orphanage. Joffrey keeping up with the trend of him saying awesomely funny things looks almost sick when he describes Margaerys work as charitable. He also goes on to take Margaerys side about the whole thing which leaves Cersei looking like she wants to table slam both Margaery and herself. She is not only losing her boy to this woman through marriage she is also losing her queenly title. There is also a quick look between brother and sister here that screams “OMG THESE MOTHERFUKCERS ARE CRAZY”.


Yes! Sir Davos survived his face to face meeting with wildfire back in Blackwater Bay. He looks to be wasting away slowing on a small island covered in wildfire burns but luck appears at his side as a ship appears. Even luckier for him (and us) it is his old pirate friend, Salladhor Saan. He learns that Stannis as retreated to Dragonstone and the Red Priestess, Melisandre is always by his side. She has also begun burning people alive who speak out against her. Davos vows to kill Melisandre. Why can’t you just stay with Salladhor and create some wickedly funny spin off series? I vote for that and not Davos blindly throwing his life away.

However Davos finally convinces someone to drop him off at Dragonstone to see Stannis. He asks to talk alone and Stannis sort of reacts like they are, even though they totally aren’t. Someone looks like he’s been spending time writing alone in an abandoned hotel resort in the mountains. Melisandra also wont leave because she definitely knows the shit talking about to happen about her so she instead turns the tables and instigates a fight with Davos. She blames him for the failure at Blackwater Bay because he is the one to convince Stannis not to bring her to the that battle. She also hints that she knew how the battle would ultimately go because she had already told her not dead son that a death by fire is the purest death. Davos pulls a knife on her but it is too late. She likes him but she says he has chosen the darkness. Davos is arrested.

Robb and his army have reached Harrenhal. They are insanely up for a fight but the Lannisters are tiring them out, leading them further and further instead of actually fighting. When they enter Harrenhal they make the sad discovery of 200 Northerners dead within the walls. The discovery angers the men further, making their already harsh grudge on lady Stark (for freeing Jamie) even worse. Robb orders she be found a chamber that can serve as her cell. Robbs new wife approaches now just as one of the dead bodies coughs. The survivor identifies himself as Qyburn (I think).


Dany and Joras at standing on a ship watching one of her dragons soar awesomely around the masts, then proceed to fly into the water and out again with a fish in his jaw. Then he threw it into the air, fried it with her breathy fire, and ate it. Umm coolest! We also get a closer look at this CGI beauty look very spikey and dangerous but purrs like a cat when Dany strocks his chin. Visually amazing. They discuss how they growing quickly but not fast enough as Dany needs some manpower or rather an army. Also we see that the few Dothraki who followed her onto the sea are hugely in pain, seasick and the like.

Later on the shore Dany is meeting with a slaver named Krazny who is speaking High Valerian. Dany and Joras are hearing his words via a cute interpreter but we are seeing what he is actually saying in subtitles. He constantly degrades Dany but the interpreter knows the game and rewords everything perfectly leaving a very comic effect.
The army he is selling is known as the Unsullied. They are slaves put through barbaric training which ends with them needing to kill a newborn baby. Only one boy in four survives this and on top of everything they are all castrated. They fear nothing. When Dany voices her concerns both for their lack of fear as well as view of the horrors of slavery the slaver decides to prove his armies strength. He approaches one and literally cuts his nipple clean off AND THEN the dude who got his nipple cut off totally says “This one is pleased to have served you”. Eek! The slaver will give Dany one day to decide.

The walk back to the ship was tense as Dany is so turned off by slavery. She very much felt like a slave when she was sold by her brother to Khal Drogo back at the beginning of this mess. Joras, also a sage, explains to her that yes they have been hugely wronged BUT she could change that. Around now Dany has been making playful eye contact with a young girl on the docks. Meanwhile a cloaked mystery figure is seen subtly following them as well. Finally the little girl rolls a ball to Dany urging her to open it. Before she can the cloaked figure interrupted knocking both Dany and the ball down. The ball opens slowly and its crazy scorpion thingie. The little girls mouth goes all blue-stained and nuts – showing the warlocks that Dany defeated last year are still a bit unhappy with her. Her hooded savior reveals himself to a familiar face: Ser Barristan Selmy who we last saw in season one when he was relieved of his duty on Joffrey’s Kings Guard. He is coming to her Queens guard now as he is sworn to protect her family. Dany looks suddenly happy.

Can we fast-forward to next Sunday?


~ by ATOM on April 1, 2013.

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