Monday Night Raw on a Tuesday: 7/9/12 “I Picked The Wrong Week to Quit Sniffing Glue” Edition.

After a short break and some pretty mediocre Monday Night Raw’s, I’m back this week to dish the goods (mostly bads…..all bads) of this weeks Raw.  Point of interest is we’re leading up to Money in the Bank this Sunday and we’re two weeks away from the 1,000th episode of Raw so this would be a good time to start to pay attention…hopefully.

So let’s not waste anymore time and get balls deep into this weeks Raw.

We start with the love triangle that has the wrestling world licking the glass of their televisions. (Not really)  CM Punk, Daniel Bryan and semi-unstable AJ have been interlocked in a bizarre love triangle made extra interesting with the emergence of AJ as a player in the WWE and being a captivating Diva without European Uppercuts and rubbing her ass in the face of other Diavs. (literally) They have crafted AJ into a complex and interesting character and now this sunday she will be the special guest referee for CM Punk vs Daniel Bryan.  Bryan being the underhanded dildo that we all know and love has been vying for AJ’s love and Punk is trying to help her by being the coolest guy in the room.

In this opening segment we get Punk and AJ in the ring and I’ll admit while being a big fan of this angle, this opening with AJ batting her eyes and talking…..super…..slow….was a little grating on the audience and my attention span.  Finally things pick up and take a right turn towards “What the fuck!?” when AJ drops to a knee and proposes to CM Punk. Daniel Bryan flies out to the ring to protest and then he proposes to AJ.  I found the humor in how over the top this was and a bit entertaining.  Suddenly the Raw anonymous general manager is back for no reason and assigns a tag match for the main event.  (Did Teddy Long hack the lap top?) The match will be AJ and Punk vs Bryan and Eve who obviously needs something to do.  AJ says she’s going to walk out of the arena with her future husband tonight.

Point of Interest:  Randomly bringing back the Anonymous Raw GM is cute but faaaaar too late for anyone to care at this point.  Even a 6 year old realizes they had no idea who it was going to be and they don’t particularly care about wrapping up story lines because no one shows more contempt and disrespect to their fans than the WWE.

Also at really no point during this segment was any focus shown toward the WWE Title, just who gets to bang AJ when it’s over…which I guess in the grand scheme of things is more important than a token representing who was granted the predetermined outcome to a fake fight.

Sheamus def Jack Swagger: They recapped what went on between Sheamus and Del Rio on Smackdown last week and I wish they focused more on Del Rio outing some guy in the audience about being in the country illegally.  In fact make this a thing, where he starts trying to get American’s deported from the country in a reverse racism angle.  No bullshit, that would be amazing.  Also recapped was Del Rio shutting the hood of his vintage car on Sheamus’s head over and over.  I love Del Rio because really he’s the only dastardly villain the WWE has right now, other than a misused Jericho.

Anyhow they recap this shit and then Sheamus comes out and he’s mad and dispatches Shit Swagger in three moves.  Del Rio mocks Sheamus from backstage and then Sheamus kicks Swagger again in disgust.  Did really nothing to build their feud but Swagger got kicked a buncha times so it’s a win.

Dolph Ziggler/Tensei def Tyson Kidd and Christian:  This is a match that’s happening because this is a wrestling show and people need things to do.  No real point but entertaining enough, albeit super short.  Tensei kill-bombs Tyson on the ring apron, that was fun.

Brotus Clay vs Drew McIntyre: At this point of I’m hate-watching Raw but it beats the “beck beck beck beck beck GONE!” of the homerun derby.  At least the announcers on wrestling make me feel like this is important.  So Brotus Clay kills Drew via fat guy slash and then moves on to the uncomfortable little kid dance off.

Cena/Kane vs Jeri-Show:  First off, it might be nostalgia talking but Jeri-Show ruled.  It was Jericho’s last great run, even if it was against crap tag-teams.  Second, John Cena has no recollection of his “come to the dark-side” feud with Kane like 2 fucking months ago.  So this was a fun match despite the 18 commercial breaks, but why end it with a random DQ and nonsense.  blergh.

Sin Cara vs Heath Slater:  At this point your questioning your humanity and why you subject yourself to this shit.  I actually openly rooted for Heath Slater during this match.  I was mad because Sin Cara blows, his mood lighting needs to die and I thought they were skipping Slater vs Legend angle.  Well after Sin Cara wins and no one cares Slater issues an open challenge to any former champion.  I ring my hands in delight until a confused naked old man emerges from the back looking confused and surprised at the same time.  Yup, Bob Backlund.  I dunno if it’s my childhood creeping into my brain because I hated when Backlund beat Bret Hart when his stupid mom threw in the towel or because I just wanted someone better but seriously fuck Bob Backlund.  Ok that’s harsh, dudes a legend…just…put some pants on him next time.  And fuck you crowd for chanting “You’ve still got it” before he even performed a move, you don’t even know who he is!

Jerry Lawler vs Michael Cole:  I actually went on and voted no for this match (an option was given during the show to vote)  Not that I believed even if the vote was an overwhelming No the WWE wouldn’t lie and do the match anyhow.  Just for my own piece of mind, I had to vote and 25% of the people who watch wrestling still have brains.  Needless to say I checked outta this match but found out later Hornswoggle was revealed at the anonymous Raw GM.  Sure that was the plan all along, uh huh.  Gottcha.  Anyhow, fuck this segment with a rusty fork.

AJ/ Punk vs Bryan/Eve:  Some how this match really wasn’t anything special with two of the best wrestlers in the world…go figure.  Most of the focus was on AJ as she picks up the win and then ends the night by slapping both Punk and Bryan and skipping away.  They had to do that to leave us with intrigue going into the PPV.   Really if you think about where the WWE was last year at the Raw before Money in the Bank, you might slip into a deep depression.  Seriously, Money in the Bank may end up being a game changer but I’ve got my doubts.  I see Cena winning the brief case and Ziggler the other.  Also looks like AJ ends up with neither Punk or Bryan, maybe a third person is introduced and she ends with mystery man or maybe she ends up with some sort of sock puppet, anything is possible with this group of jackass writers.  Tonight’s Raw was terrible, paint it any way you like but I think they stopped trying.  At least there is wrestling at PPV’s.  Come back Sunday for Money in the Bank results. I guess


~ by ATOM on July 10, 2012.

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