Monday Night Raw: 5/7/2012: Big In Japan Edition

 

Raw hits the ground running with Big John Laurinaitis addressing the WWE universe saying he’s in charge and all those who oppose me with be destoryed, etc. He brings up his voice and how sensitive he is to people mocking it because he got hit in the throat by a Doctor Death throat chop way back when in Japan.  This segways into a Johnny Ace history lesson all about his success and accolades in Japan.  CM Punk deems this too interesting and attempts to rescue us by telling Big Johnny that he’s an idiot, a stupid head, ca-ca pants, etc. The announcers insult us by referring to this as a vintage CM Punk pipe bomb.  Really, so every time he talks it’s a pipe bomb?  For this insolence he has set up a match for CM Punk vs Lord Tensai, least the main event will be wrestling, that’s a yay.

Cody Rhodes vs The Big Show:  With hopes that this will be the end of the Cody/Big Show feud we kick off Raw with what starts out with barely what constituts as a match and ends with Cody retreating with his belt and taking the count out loss.  Eve came out at the very end and made The Big Show apologise for making fun of Johnny’s voice, this is how the world ends, not with a bang but with a mumbling apology.

Kofi Kingston vs Dolph Ziggler:  Back when attended Raw a few weeks before Mania Ziggler and Kingston had a superstars match tapped before Raw and it was excellent, probably since these guys fought each other everyday for a year.  This wasn’t as good but was on par because these two guys can feed off each others offense.  I’m sure this will build toward a tag match with Kofi and Truth vs Ziggler and Swagger which is fine.  Ziggler picks up the much needed win after having a horrible fued with fat sweaty dinosaur man.

Cena and Cole in a super exciting interview via satellite (Don’t be like The Rock, John) where Cena sells the arm injury but he’ll be ready for Big Johnny come Over The Limit.  Nothing much else to report on, this felt sorta pointless.

Layla/Kelly Kelly vs Vintage Maxine and Natalya:  I love diva tag-team matches where not one tag is made, the first two that start the match finish it, bravo.  Layla pins Maxine with her sniff ass-looking neck breaker…but alas! They announce a Divas match for the PPV with Layla vs Beth, we’ve got 2 weeks to build this match, make me proud WWE.

Sheamus/Randy Orton vs Jericho Alberto Del Rio:  This was a very good and entertaining match that actually told a story and progressed everyone’s story line and had an interesting finish and should have either started or ended the show.  Sheamus accidentally kicks Orton so Jericho hits Sheamus with a codebreaker and gets the win.  Jericho gets extra points for declaring himself Champion all the way up the ramp.  Post match Orton nails an RKO on Sheamus and everyone takes it to Johnny Ace’s office.  He announces that the PPV match with be a fatal four way between Jericho/Sheamus/Del Rio/Orton:  People power!

The Miz vs Brotus Clay: I watched this match because I thought maybe The Miz might win.  Miz actually dominated the match and looked great which made me all that much more frustrated because holy hell Brotus Clay is terrible:  He doesn’t sell anything, he’s gassed about 43 seconds into the match and wins after two ineffective looking moves.  Unstoppable Big Man should begin and end with Mark Henry, period.  Ryback, Mason Ryan, Brotus Clay and Lord Tensai should all pay the Iron Price.

Tonight’s Holy Shit moment goes to; Paul Heyman returning to the WWE.  After a video package for Lesner his music hits and Paul makes his way to the ring.  Heyman is one of thise guys who changed wrestling, was an innovator, a great talker and never really jumped the shark in the WWE.  He did his thing and got the fuck out before he could get caught having a rap off with Michael Cole because fuck you that’s why.

The promo where Heyman runs down Vince McMahon and calls Taz a fat shitty commentator is still a favorite of mine.  Heyman is amazing on the mic and he should always speak for Lesner until the end of time.  During the promo Heyman says Lesner has quit the WWE and walks out.  This juices up the Lesner/WWE angle inserting Heyman, I like what they’re doing with this.

CM Punk vs Lord Tensai/Daniel Bryan: Last minute Bryan is inserted into the match because you have to build for Over the Limit but I thought that would be better served as a run in, but what do I know, at this point I’m bored to tears and praying for it to end. This match featured two of my favorite wrestlers and still managed to put me to sleep.  Tensai gets the win after someone botches the Baldo Bomb and then hits the green mist hand spit face claw slam, I think that’s what they’re calling it. This did nothing for a CM Punk/Bryan feud which I’m not sure they’re feuding, I think it’s just gonna be a match and that’s it.  Meh, least we get that much I guess.  This was one of those Raw’s that was the antithesis of what wrestling is today.  As fan you just get bloodgend to death with boring, useless, idiotic crap and then when your ready to jump off something awesome happens and your back in 100% and the cycle continues.  Extreme Rules was awesome and the two following Raw’s have been shit, hence the cycle. Whatever. Besides the 10pm Tag match with Orton/Sheamus/Del Rio/Jericho and Heyman showing up, this Raw totally sucked shit.  See ya next week. Maybe

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~ by ATOM on May 9, 2012.

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