Monday Night Raw on a Tuesday: 4/23/2012: 3 Hours Of Sobriety Tests And Contract Signings Edition
Well Monday has come and gone and that means another edition of Monday Night Raw on a Tuesday, and as Monday night crept up on me I was crushed by something that was revealed last week that I had kept repressed in my mind all week…Raw is going to be 3 hours tonight. FUCK! I hate a three hour Raw, they are incredibly tedious and give me horrifying flashbacks of 3 hour Nitros full of Prince Iaukea vs Konnan matches and twenty eight members of the NWO black and white team creeping to the ring for seventeen minutes while I prayed for death.
Also we’ve been slowly but surely creeping into an era where the wrestling on Monday night is not incredibly important and hasn’t been for some time. Let’s face facts; when matches are announced for Raw or Smackdown you can deduce rather quickly weather it’s worth watching, no matter who’s involved, which makes this experience so woeful every week and makes 3 hours of it that much more daunting. Well now that I’ve buttered you up for some wrestling, lets dig in shall we.
Raw begins with the ever popular and totally pointless contract signing, this time between Brock Lesner and Cena. Imagine this was the processes for every match, or even every main event, that my friend is a world I don’t want to live in. Anywho, Cena comes out a mix of violent, riotous hate and jubilant admiration. Myself always falling somewhere in the middle; disliking what he represents, but respecting what he does. So he comes out but we find out Lesner isn’t coming out until he wants to (What a dick) but we get treated to a surprise guest, Edge. Edge comes down to the ring with a purposes and cuts a great promo on Cena. Saying how he was his greatest opponent and that he needs to defeat Lesner because he’s a Johnny come lately who doesn’t give two shits about the WWE which is probably true in every shape and form. Edge tells Cena he needs to be the guy he used to be when they had some epic (sorta) battles. This is pretty much the same but opposite of the Kane/Cena embrace the hate angle, I know that makes no sense but you know what I mean. Regardless this segment was good, mostly because Edge was fired up and gave an excellent promo.
Jericho vs Kofi: Oh look a match! Good match, two good in ring performers whose styles mesh well. Jericho picks up the deserved pinfall to kick off Raw.
Various Backstage segments including Jericho sending Punk a gift basket full of booze bottles. Punk scoffs at them and gives the basket to Josh Mathews so he can muster up some courage to tell Lesner to fuck himself. (spoiler alert) Punk does discretely keep a bottle of Jack Daniels.
Lord Tensai vs R-Truth: Tensai just destroys R-Truth and spit hand face-huggers thing slam for the win. Tensai is on a tear and nobody really knows why, or if they should like it in lu of him jobbing on smackdown in about 6 months…presumably…also Poor R-Truth.
Kane comes out to talk which no one really cares for, especially when it’s about this throw away feud with Orton. He brags about beating up Orton’s dad and then Orton appears with Paul Bearer tied to a wheel chair because what’s good for the goose is…ah never-mind (Didn’t Edge do this?) So Kane says “meh, me no care” and Orton wheels him into a stand up freezer anyways.
Backstage A-Ry tells Jericho Punk is drinking in the locker room so they peak in and we see Punk drinking out of a red solo cup with the bottle of Jack next to it. Did he break his straight edge life style? The Hardy’s must be on the edge of their seats right now.
Del Rio/Cody Rhodes vs Big Show and The Great Kahli: This match pretty much goes as expected, but was some what entertaining because Rhodes and Del Rio are good at making a good match with shitty ingredients. Del Rio retreats on Rhodes eventually and Big Show and Kahli pick up the win via Giant Hand Play.
Backstage we see Lesner approach the arena as Josh Mathews questions him on why he’s just showing up. Lesner gives him a dismissive wank and Josh mutters to himself about just doing his job so Lesner slams poor Josh into a fence type thing and he lays there wishing he was in the vault with The Road Dogg.
Also backstage we find out Punk is going to have to take a field sobriety test and if he fails then he has to forfit his title to Jericho. If this stipulation existed in the 80’s Jack Tunney woulda been throwin titles around left and right and Bret Hart woulda had an 8 year run as champion (I assume)
Beth Phenoix vs Brie Bella: Eve makes this a Lumber Jill match because she’s now in charge of all things Diva I guess, so the existing Divas surround the ring and we get a match…sorta. Mercifully what felt like 49 minutes into the match Beth twists her ankle (looked legit) and The Bella gets the win via school boy. So Beth’s reign as champion is over, and even though both Bellas are god awful this probably opens up the door for Kharma to come back and then they can build up Kharma vs Beth. I know these are alot of things to assume but it seems logical, and they usually do what’s logical in the WWE (fart noise)
CM Punk sobriety test: This segment puts to rest any doubt that CM Punk is truely straight edge because watching him act drunk was sometimes painful and the acting of a man who has never been intoxicated but seen plenty of sitcoms where somebody was. This also felt like a very special episode of Raw where the main character gets drunk and teaches us all valuable lessons.
So Punk fails at backwards ABC’s and walking the red line because he’s “drunk” and just before he hands over his titled, he begins to walk the line forward and backwards while doing backwards ABC’s as Jericho that “BU….WHAAAAT” look on his face. This segment was a bit long but I get it we’re filling 3 hours and over all it was an effective abnd sometimes funny (and painful) segment. This was a creative way for Punk to get the better of Jericho over the booze thing. You guys are fun.
Mark Henry vs Sheamus: Sheamus after last week is not allowed to put his hands on a ref so who better to ref this match than Daniel Bryan. He jawed with Sheamus, smirked and dared him to hit him then used a super fast count to give Mark Henry the victory. It was a good way to progress their fued…and you know what would progress their fued even more…how about an actually match against each other. Just sayin.
Santino/Zack Ryder vs Epico and Primo: I really thought Epico and Primo were picking up steam and becoming legit right before Mania and then it’s been right in the shitter for these two. Santino gets the pinfall in a short and pointless match.
Brotus Clay/Hornswaggle vs Dolph Ziggler/Jack Swagger: Fuck this match, I protested this match by watching the 8th inning of the Sox game. I’m sick of the dancing and his 3 moves and the fact that they’re wasting the awesome talent of Dolph Ziggler and the mid ranged talent of Jack Swagger on this bullshit is such a let down. If you think I’m being a whining wrestling fan and you think this is good then you’re doing it wrong.
Contract Time! Finally it’s time to get down to business and put pen to paper. First Brock comes out to a mixed reaction and sits down with John Laurinitus, then Cena’s music hits but he doesn’t come out, must be something running down his leg.
Brock: It’s PISS!
Everyone: We know, it was insinuated, you didn’t need to say it!
Anyways, so Brock says he has demands and Johnny needs to make his demands (His words, not a typo) He wants Vince’s private Jet, he wants more money, and he’ll show up when he wants. Pretty much they are making Lesner into the character that most people back stage accused The Rock of in real life, it’s a smart move and I conmend them for it. This will help Cena get over a little bit easier than taking on a guy that everyone loves unconditionally no matter how much he talks like a god damn baby and gets gassed after about 3 minutes in the ring.
So Johnny agrees to these ridiculous demands and Brock signs, then Cena comes out with a chain wrapped around his fist, there a lot of gawking and grinding of teeth but nothing happens. Cena signs the contract and they go off the air. Made sense, you wanna wait til the pay-per-view to see these guys fight, I get it, I’m fine with it. This segment just shouldn’t have taken so damn long because Lesner still has issues forming complex sentences. Let’s see this Sunday if he can put on an entertaining wrestling match. Overall a poor Raw where it took them three hours to accomplish something they could have in one, sometimes less is more guys. See ya Sunday for Xtreme Rules.