Monday Night Raw on a Tuesday: 3/13/2012: This Isn’t Sing Along With The Great One Edition

Fresh off the heels of being at last weeks Raw I’m back in the comfy confines of the bat-cave (spare bedroom so Sage can play Mass Effect) as we continue down the road to wrestlemania and tonight we’ve been promised a Cena Rap and Rock concert.  Ya see the WWE is in Cleveland tonight, home of the sweaty underwear and ass-less chaps of Rock and Roll’s best and brightest.

So we’re off and running and HOLY SHIT! It’s the doctor of thuganomics.  I’ll be honest I wasn’t watching during the inaugural launch of the Cena white guy rapping character so this is neither nostalgic or super interesting to me, he just kinda looks and acts like every asshole I went to high school with. So Cena raps about The Rock and it’s actually really good, like last week and the week before he makes you believe that he truly does not respect The Rock.  It’s been consecutive weeks now that Cena comes down to the ring showered in boos and leaves with the people cheering.  The Rock will come down to the ring and read the Chinese food menu and fans collecting flies in their mouths just bounce around and repeat every dumb catch phrase.  Everyone seems to obsessed with returning to the attitude era that The Rock could fart into the mic and everyone would cheer him on, Cena has to actually work at it.  Everyone hates him, not everyone is even sure why, but he’s coming down to the ring and hitting it out of the park week after week. Props to the WWE for creating a pretty compelling war of words between these two guys and it’s so much more entertaining than the one-sided Rock insult and Cena smerk-a-thon that we were subjected to in 2011.  Regardless if your supporting The Rock or Cena WWE has trumped up excitement over this match as long as you support someone.  The only down side to the Cena rap tonight is Cole and Lawler referring to it as Attitudinal which is neither cool, nor a word, nor a thing.  I’m not sure if this is pandering to the attitude era revivalist but just let things be what they are and stop giving things stupid labels.

Dolph Ziggler vs Sheamus:  The Great White Man kicks off the wrestling for the night against The Great Flailing Man Dolph Ziggler. This match spanned a commercial break and held your attention the whole way through.  It’s always fun when you’ve got a heavy hitter like Sheamus against a dude who looks like a bomb went off a foot away from him after every offensive move by his opponent.  At one point Ziggler gets hip tossed out of the ring and sells it so good you think the match might be over only to regain his composure and he throws Sheamus into the announcers table almost destroying it from the wrong angle. During the match we see Daniel Bryan sitting in the sky box as that snake Josh Mathews asks Bryan about last week on Smackdown when he told AJ to shut up.  Mathews is always there when you slip up. Back to the match which all in all is a great match with Sheamus finishing off Ziggler with a Brouge kick and sending Ziggler ass over tea kettle.

Santino vs Mark Henry and David O’Tunga:  The WWE announced today that the feud no one really asked for will come to a head at Wrestlemania: Team Laurinitus vs Team Long: Winner is GM of both shows or a short period of time until the anonymous Raw General manager returns and over throws the winner.  So team excitement has a Captain in David O’Tunga and first member Mark Henry who should probably be the captain but lets not split hairs yet. Santino is the captain of team over sized suit and he faces both guys for some reason and losses rather quickly.  Mark Henry and O’Tunga beat him down, R-Truth and Kofi try to help but are rendered useless by Mark Henry and his three belly’s.  (I’m not gonna call em Man Boobs, he’s too strong to have man-boobs)

Eve and Zack Ryder are shown back stage with their mouths moving and diareha coming out of them.  Serious I don’t care about this, Ryder was funny when he was being himself and not a soap star.

John Laurinaitis is taking a phone call when Miz walks in with James Roday (from Psych) Miz thinks Team Excitment needs star power because he’s on Psych and John tells him all he has to do is win his match tonight and he is in. John says James will be the special ring announcer, and The Miz makes a sour fart face when he finds out he’s facing CM Punk.

The Return of the Funkasaurus:  Jinder Mahal does the job for Brotus Clay as I see the one tweak is they took away his half-assed cross body splash.  Poor Jinder, at least no one got hurt.

HBK/Undertaker:  There’s not a ton to report about this exchange but I’ll point out the notables.  We’ve could have had two matches in the time it took these guys to say nothing.  The live crowd gets bored of the The Undertaker on the mic almost immediately and maybe you’d know what day Wrestlemania was on if you were around for more than 3 days a year (Undertaker said April 21st)  This segment was very uninteresting and people speculate the crowd was dead because today’s generation doesn’t care about Undertaker and HBK, etc. No it’s because it’s boring and it this doesn’t need to be 20 minutes. I loved these guys and respect them for still going out there at this stage of their career and trying to entertain but I don’t love this.

CM Punk vs The Miz: First the dude from Psych announces each guy to the ring and it’s nice to have someone with a little charisma on the show.  I wasn’t rolling around on the floor in hysterical laughter but James Roday wasn’t awkward and in this day and age of the WWE if your not making me cringe your Frank fuckin Sinatra.   So match begins and these guys put on a decent all be it quick match with Punk getting The Miz to tap out thus he will not be joining Team Excitement.  Since The Miz has been in the shitter for so long I actually hope he does turn face and join Team Long.  It’d be different and I’m willing to give it a shot.

After the match Jericho appears on the tron and has a disturbing message for CM Punk.  He announces to the world the reason CM Punk is straight edge is because Punk’s very own father was a drunk.  Now Punk has stated that fact publicly before so this wasn’t shocking, but I was very surprised they went there.  Trying to blur the lines of reality and throwing gasoline on an otherwise already hot feud.  What really sold it was Punk’s horrific reaction and also the crowd was dead silent which was pretty cool, they seemed legit shocked.  I think they may have missed out on a Stone Cold Steve Austin telling CM Punk that he’s his father type story line.

Randy Orton vs Jack Swagger:  This match replaces last weeks Kane vs R-Truth as the useless nonsensical match of the week, but at least they’re wrestling.  This match wasn’t too bad actually, I enjoyed it with Orton picking up the win and Kane teasing him with his pyros going off in the ring that I guess no one noticed were set up during the match.

The Rock Concert:  I said earlier that I was a fan of the war of words but dear god not like this! I’m sorry if you think I’m being a hater but I was mostly sitting on my couch with my arms folded making the sour fart face during this segment.  I don’t even hate The Rock, I just think he’s better than gay jokes and ripping Cena’s mom.  This shoulda been the week things almost come to blows between these guys, you were waiting for it, The Rock to get too personal and Cena to hit the ring, but nothing.  I know I’m in the minority for not enjoying tonight Rock Concert because I hit the web after and it seemed like people were eating it up, but no matter how hard I try I’m not going to laugh at a tella tubby reference or that The Rock banged Cena’s mom. I shouldn’t have to deal with this shit, I’m not in high school anymore. Then again, anyone who has to go out and fart around for 20 minutes is eventually going to annoy me, I think that’s the bigger problem here, that and the humor is exactly the same as it was 10 years ago from that magical era that everyone wants to return to but wasn’t as good as you remember it.  Then again the live crowd ate that shit with a spoon so what the hell do I know.  The only thing that would have saved this for me is if he stopped mid-verse like he had regained his memory and yelled “This isn’t sing along with the Great One” and just stormed off.

Or if the dark match was The Rock vs The Crowd

This was a decent but not great Raw;  I have no problem with promos helping build toward matches but look how Jericho and Cena handled their business tonight, quick, to the point, progressed the story.  That’s where I think The Rock, HBK, HHH, and Undertaker failed tonight.  These guys have tenure so they let them go for 20 minutes at a whack and it just lingers.  Say what you will but The Rock concert was stupid and everything I hate about wrestling right now.  I want confrontation, action, excitement, and unpredictability; not some asshole noddling on a guitar making out dated references while pandering to a live crowd….for 20 minutes!?


~ by ATOM on March 13, 2012.

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