Monday Night Raw on a Tuesday: 2/27/2012: Requiem for a Cena
Welcome to another week of typed ambiguous sarcasm and dismissive wanks. We are 4 weeks away from the big night in Miami as the WWE attempts to avoid all the pot holes on the road to Wrestlmania and tonight’s Raw kicks off with a home-run. After last weeks unfinished champion vs champion match between CM Punk and Daniel Bryan on Smackdown (damn good match too) WWE opens Raw with the same match. Punk makes his way down first and before Bryan can make his way down Jericho finally comes down to the ring to confront Punk. Since Jericho returned to the WWE this is the moment I’ve been anticipating; these two guys squaring off promo vs promo and it did not disappoint in the least. As mentioned before, when Punk is on his toes and not calling someone a girl and doing his best WWE’centric CM Punk, he’s at his best. Jericho points out how similar their paths to stardom have been and he’s right but these two guys are also equally dissimilar which is what will make this such a great program. This promo did a hell of a job at selling this match and maybe even Mania in general, something they should be trying to do on a constant basis.
When the verbal sparring concludes the match between Bryan and Punk begins and of the three this one was probably my least favorite. It was bogged down by two sets of commercials and the lingering GM vs GM feud developing between Teddy Long and Mr Excitement who are both at ring side. The match breaks down with interference when David Otunga runs into the ring along with Launinitus and Long with Santino. The highlight is Teddy Long gets tough with Johnny Ace and takes off his coat and underneath he has a red velvet vest and matching pants and he looks like a genie.
Punk makes his way up the ramp and Jericho comes out of nowhere to blindside him and put him in the Wall of Jericho at the top of the ramp.
Kelly Kelly vs (A) Bella Twin: I guess I’ll take this time to wonder outloud: Where’s Kharma? What happened to Beth? Why is Natayla farting and not wrestling? Anyways, buncha stuff happens, there’s a pin and a thing and Kelly.
John Cena vs The Miz: Miz starts the match by announcing that no one works harder than he does in this company and he’s upset he’s not getting a match at Mania; Around November of 2010 I was a huge fan of The Miz. I thought he was an excellent heel, but somewhere along the way things feel apart for us. Sorry Miz, it’s not you, I’ve just met someone else who can sell moves more effective and isn’t so repetitive on the mic. Ok fine, it’s Dolph Ziggler, are you happy now?
Anyways, Cena and Miz have a thing of a match, dominated and won by Cena, pretty filler, nothing special but nothing to complain about either.
Kofi Kingston/R-Truth vs Ziggler/Swagger vs Epico/Primo for the tag-team titles: This match was easily the best of the night as all 6 guys (even Sth’wagger) were entertaining and effective. Lots of action in and out of the ring and a good finish with Epico and Primo keeping the titles. Where does this go from here? I shudder to think that Dolph Ziggler will be in another tag match at Wrestlemania this year, although maybe include a ladder and we can speculate how many times he’s died during the match. After the match Kane comes down and kills everyone and makes fire.
Eve Torres makes her way out to the ring to a dulled “hoeski” chant as she tries incredibly hard to turn heel in front of our eyes capitalizing on last weeks effort. She keeps making weird faces in between trying to tell us that men think she’s attractive. This COULD have been cool and effective but sorta felt flat because Eve lacks charisma to be a fun heel or a mediocre face diva. I’m sure this is all going somewhere wonderful.
Et Tu Edge? We’re treated to a trailer for another turd burger from WWE Studios but this time it stings it little bit more than usual because we’re forced to watch Edge futz his way around hacky jokes with the human fart cloud Jamie Kennedy. Did they do analysis and research to find the most unlikable costar to vehicle this project with Edge? Anyways It’s called Farting the Rules and it’s about donuts, and farts and lawyers and Edge in Tommy Bahama shirts coming soon to a Walmart near fart.
Sheamus/Big Show vs Mark Henry/Cody Rhoads: This match was ok but was over shadowed by the despair and disappointment that Cody Rhodes is probably having a match with The Big Show at Wrestlemania, although it is fun watching him humiliate Big Show every week, fun stuff. Sheamus gets the pinfall on Mark Henry who’s dominate kick ass persona seems like a distant memory.
The Rock Returns, again. Just like HBK returning next week for the first time in 2 weeks, The Rock returns for the first time since….the last time he returned. If you’re a huge fan of the The Rock version Twitter with the boots to asses and what have you, then just skip this review because I hate these promos. I’m not a Cena fan, I’m not attitude era revivalist, and I don’t cheer for the heels to be the coolest guy in the room. Hell I’m a huge CM Punk fan, and when Cena eliminated him from the Rumble back in 2011 I popped cause it was such a cool moment. Point is I think I’m a pretty reasonable and objectionable guy and I think these Rock promos are boring. Last week Cena had a lot passion and you believed the things he was saying. These just feel like what stupid juvenile phrase can I get these people to say. The first time he did it when he returned for the first time since the time before I thought it was ok, but now it’s a thing, but I know the WWE can’t help taking something that worked and killing it with death.
Now Portland, I don’t expect you to be an ECW crowd circa 97; but my god get your shit together. I hate all these stupid little catch phrases The Rock farts out during these promos but it’ls even worse when you can’t chant them even close to unison. The crowd is cut into about 8ths all chanting something different when this man is taking you by the wrist and saying “Kung Pow Chicken” It’s an easy phrases with an agreeable amount of syllables all be it, a fucking stupid one. Anyways, it takes The Rock 20 minutes to say 5 sentences and everyone cheering and not knowing why Cena comes out to interrupt the promo.
I do enjoy how Cena has that goofy smile when he talks while The Rock just gives Cena the I wanna eat your babies death stare. Cena pretty much owns The Rock here though by pointing out the promo notes on his wrist. I had a friend insist to me that the notes on the wrist has to be a work and he’s probably right, I just find it so hard to believe because I just don’t think they have it in them to make The Rock look so dumb. He makes fun of him further about trying to get stupid crap to trend and that the end of the Day he doesn’t have to decide whether he’s The Rock and Duane, he’ll always just be John Cena. Boom! Faced. Cena walks off triumphantly, Rock says one or two more dickish things fumbling through this words and were done; week 2:
As much as I didn’t love this promo it just does build tension between these two guys and sell this match. A pretty Entertaining Raw as we avoid the potholes, plotholes, barking dogs and pointlessness that litter the road to wrestlemania. Also next week I’ll be live at Raw in Boston watching all the action through my cell phone (That’s how you do it right?) Maybe I’ll get Sage to do next weeks Raw review. Later peeps (I miss Christian)