2012 Movie Preview

Today I will take you on a magical journey into the future and see what’s gonna (probably) be awesome and what’s gonna suck when it comes to movies in the coming year.

JANUARY

6th: The Devil Inside:  This movie actually looks pretty god damn scary but I’ve been burned by trailers before, it’ll probably suck.

20th Haywire:  Steven Soderberg is a well respected movie director and has made some good flicks. So this begs the question: why is he making a 1993 direct to DVD action movie staring MMA chick Gina Carano?  Even the rest of the cast is compiled of some really good actors (Fassenbender, Ewan McGregor, Michael Douglass…even Bill Paxton is in this flick.)  But serious if you watch the trailer it looks weak.  Probably suck/make money.

Underworld: Awakening: Please stop making these movies. Oh Cool comic book writer J. Micheal Straczynski wrote the screenplay and Kate Beckinsale came back..maybe it’ll be good, probably won’t.

FEBURARY

10th: Star Wars Episode 1 (in 3D)  Sorry whores, you’ve gotten enough of my money.

17th: Ghost Rider: Spirits of Vengeance: Didn’t see the first one, but this time around it’s directed by those guys who made Crank which is a fun guilty pleasure bullshit flick, so maybe this one won’t suck a hundred used dildos.  (or so I heard)

24th Wanderlust: For those who don’t know who David Wain is then your an asshole.  (j/k wink) He was a writer from the brilliant and under valued show “The State” and went on to write and direct films like the brilliant and under valued “Role Models”  Wanderlust is his follow up which a great cast headed up by Paul Rudd,  If I were a betting man…and I am…I’d say put money down that this will be a flick worth seeing.

MARCH

9th John Carter:  It’s tough to tell right now so I’m still undecided on this flick, it could go either way.   I was leaning toward financial disaster but unless something really breaks out there’s not a ton of movies with buzz coming out around this time, and it being the first big budget action film of the year, maybe it does well.

23rd: The Hunger Games:  I’m biased because I enjoyed the books (shut up!) and I will be marrying Jennifer Lawrence at some point in my life time so my opinion is null and void, but you’ll get it anyways.  This movie is going to be really good and it will make a ton of money.  But that’s just me.

30th Wraith of the Titan’s: Fool me once, blah blah blah….The Class of the Titans remake was bad but I pretty much wrote this movie off with a dismissive wank.  Then I saw the trailer and altered my plan slightly…as I’ll wait for some positive reviews this time around.

APRIL

6th: American Reunion:  Seriously fuck these movies!  Can’t Hardly Wait shoulda got the franchise that this flick got and I’m not kidding.  Wouldn’t you want to find out what happened to “Love Burger” after the party rather than these assholes.

13th: The Three Stooges:  My dad is/was a huge Stooges fan and this movie comes out on his birthday which could be a curious disaster for him.   So from now until then I have to make sure he never sees an advertisement or if he does tell him it’s just a lie and it’s not real and he’s hallucinating again.

27th: The Five-Year Engagment:  This is the newest Jason Segal comedy that I’m nervous could become my life.  Allison Bree is in it, bonus.

MAY

4th: The Avengers: Now were on to the heavy hitters.  This movie is gonna make everyone from kids, to teen to adults go boom boom.  I’ve been awaiting Joss Wheadon’s return to movies because I thought Serenity was great and very underrated and that return will be an Avenger’s movie!? There’s no way this movie could suck….could it?

11th: Dark Shadows:  Tim Burton has captured another existing property, cast Johnny Deep in it waits to cash in.  This time it’s a crappy soap opera from the 70’s about a family of Vampires. (it’s about time someone made a movie on the subject of Vampires, fist pump)  This will probably suck and make a ton of money.

18th: Battleship: If you can turn your brain off and just want to see shit blow up, god bless you.  If you go see this movie and come out saying “wow what a piece of shit” then it’s on you.

25th: Men in Black 3: Trading in Tommy Lee Jones for a younger version of his character played by Josh Brolin may breath life into this franchise. This movie will make money, will it be good, who knows.

JUNE

1st: Rock of Ages:  Tom Cruise finally comes out of the closet in this musical about crappy 80’s hair metal.

8th Promethous: Ridley Scott makes his return to Sci-fi and I’m putting all my chips on the table for this flick.  It will be good. It better be good.

Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter:  Remember the first time you heard those 4 words brought together in the same sentence and you really got a good laugh.  Then the book came out and you were like oh cool, not gonna read it but cool.  Now the movie is right around the corner and I’m close to a face palm.

29th GI Joe: Retaliation: The Rock heads up this sequel and it won’t be hard to turn out a better GI Joe after the turd that was the first GI Joe movie.

JULY

3rd: The Amazing Spiderman:  People were pretty sour over a poor conclusion to Sam Raimi’s Spiderman trilogy so this flick will be successful but will it be good.  Probably.

20th: The Dark Knight Rises:  Christopher Nolan caps off his Batman
Trilogy with what looks to be the best of them all.  I have faith that
Nolan caps off this trilogy with his best outting yet and gives it the
closure it deserves.  I have no reason to think otherwise.

AUGUST
3rd: Total Recall:  They took Total Recall and stripped away everything that made it Total Recall, not just Arnold, but Mars, the basic plot etc.  But Bryan Cranston is playing the villian so hey, silver linning right?

17th: The Expendables 2:  Same cast plus more, different director, stuff goes boom, similar results.

24th: Premium Rush: I’m a huge JGL fan but seriously, I hate people on Bikes in traffic, No thanks.

SEPTEMBER

14th: Argo: Ben Affleck’s follow up to the medicore at best “The Town” (sorry dad) This flick is about the 1979 rescue of hostages in Iran in which the hostages were able to convince the Iranian Government they were working on a movie.  It sounds pretty cool and boosts a very good cast so I’m on board.

28th: Looper:  One of my favorite and most underrated movie of the last 10 years is Rian Johnson’s neo-nior “Brick” The movie Looper will be his 3rd feature film, staring Joseph Gordon Levitt and Bruce Willis in a sci-fi time travel story.  I’m pumped for this flick and when I researched Johnson to see what he had been up to between Brick and Looper…he’s just been directing some show called “Breaking Bad” no big deal.

OCTOBER

5th: Taken 2:  Loved the first flick, 88 minutes of Liam Neison kicking the ever loving shit out of people.  I’ll do another.

NOVEMBER

2nd. Red Dawn:  This remake was shoot about 2 or 3 years ago but has been set back because the villians were The Chinese and they decided to change that digitally to North Korea.  Whatever, just release the god damn movie before were at war with these countries for reals.

16th: Twilight: Breaking Dawn part 2: Make it stop!!!

21st: 47 Ronin:  Keanu Reeves is over due for a kick ass movie and I think this might be it.  This is a telling of the japanese 47 Ronin which is a true story, but it’ll be done in a fantasy style. “The film will tell a stylized version of the story, mixing fantasy elements of the sort seen in ‘The Lord of the Rings’ pics, with gritty battle scenes akin to those in films such as ‘Gladiator.’  Um….yes please.

DECEMBER

14th The Hobbit:  Peter Jackson returns to the Lord of the Rings Franchise with the prequel “The Hobbit” So far it looks pretty good, I’m on board.

21st: World War Z:  I’ve ranted about this before;  This book has such a specific style that done in a similar way would make for a very interesting movie.  But they’ve abandoned that to tell a straight up story based very little on the book. UGH!

25th: Django Unchained:  Tarantino’s newest movie debuts on christmas 2012.

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~ by ATOM on January 4, 2012.

2 Responses to “2012 Movie Preview”

  1. Can we have a group marriage with Jennifer Lawrence? 🙂

  2. Only if you watch Winter’s Bone, then we can talk about it.

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