Raw Review: 12/12/11: Slammy Edition.

6 Days away from The Tables Ladders and Chairs Pay-Pre-View and it’s still lacking good momentum; I think mostly due to some uncertainty both in and out of the ring.  Using Kevin Nash to carry a match (maybe) against Triple H at a PPV where we haven’t seen Triple H on Television in quite some time just doesn’t work.  Also Cena is not booked on the card as of now, Another Big Show/Mark Henry World Title match and the triple threat for the WWE title that lacks any real story or momentum makes me feel uneasy.  Me thinks this Pay-Pre-View could end up being a giant shit sandwich, as of right now it has all the ingredients and WWE can ill-afford another crappy Pay-Per-View after recovering from bad Vengeance numbers by what was by current standards a successful showing with Survivor Series.

This brings us to tonight’s Raw and the award show no one really asked for “The Slammys”  Ok I’m sure some people like the Slammy awards and I don’t hate them but it sorta just becomes filler for a 3 hour show.  I think the WWE “Hall of Fame” is the Oscars for Wrestling and the Slammys is more like the Spike Scream awards where they make up categories, people cheer when they hear key words like “zombies” or “Horror” and they decide who wins these awards based upon availability. I guess my distaste for the Slammys comes from word association and not to be a downer but if you’re an old school fan then The Slammys remind you of Owen Hart.

Notable Categories from past Slammy events were: Best Buns, Best Bow Tie (Stolen by Owen Hart) and last years Despicable Me award ironically won by fan favorite Cm Punk.

The show begins with Hornswoggle who can talk because Santa said so
(Face Palm) So Swoggle comes out talking in ebonics and wearing an afro wig for no other I can figure out other than he’s presenting the award with Booker T who has to be biting his tongue as he’s reminded how unknowingly racist the WWE can be.   So  Jim
Ross wins the “What the heeeell, no he dit-it girlfriend” award for winning a
dance off on Raw against Cole.  So Cole interrupts by yelling incoherently about JR being Fat so Booker sets up a
rap off with Cole, because he’s Booker T, and rapping…you see where I’m going with this…. So me being stupid thinks “ok this might be funny”
because they rehearsed this bit but stupid me, why would that happen?  Cole actually rhymes and
makes some creative fat jokes and then JR forgets its a rap off, his brain takes a shit in his skull and
just say Cole is stupid.  It’s the usual embarrassment of JR we’ve come
to know and love, topped off by a JR Spinnaronie which is just JR flopping around on the ground like an asshole.  This will win next years “The moment that made me embarrassed to be a wrestling fan” award.

Next Million Dollar Man and Mick Foley present the “Holy shit we’ve
already seen this” award to Big Show for getting Superplexed and
breaking the ring.  Now Mark Henry really did the leg (and back) work
so shouldn’t he get the award.  Anyhow he grabs his trophy and heads
to the ring to face the Barrett Barrage which ive yet to figure out
what exactly is the “Barrett Barrage” Is that what they’re calling his
second push?  Barrett gets DQ’ed because he was holding a chair and
Big Show punched it???? Didn’t we establish two weeks ago that just holding a weapon is not a disqualifying offence?  So Far we’ve accomplished very little in about 40 minutes worth of show.

Hey looks its new road agent “The Road Dog” which is fun because he’s
still pretty comfortable behind the microphone and still pretty out of shape which is no different from when he wrestled.  He presents the
“pipebomb award” (shark jumped) and the nominees are all the crazy shit R-Truth and
Booker T have said through the year along  with random other funny
flubs and one liners.  So CM Punk wins the CM Punk award and comes out
to accept with a mannequin dressed as one of the Dynamic Dudes.  Cm Punk
uses this opportunity to open the curtain and reveal that John Laurenitis was once a shitty wrestler.

So were treated to a video package with the soundtrack of “You’ve got the Touch” and I immediately perk up.
it’s a pretty funny video of all of John Laurenitis recent stupidity
along with clips of him as a wrestler back in WCW.  At least now fans will know what the hell Punk (and myself) is talking about when he says “Johnny Ace” and “Where’s your skateboard”  So The video packages for both “Pipebomb of the year” and the Johnny Ace tribute were both very well done and legit funny, also a plus tonight’s Raw featured clips of Jim Cornette and Shane Douglass, that has to be worth something.  So when they come back from the video the crowd is dead silent.  They cheered JR fucking up a rap off and now CM Punk has a video depicting the current GM and villain as an idiot and no one gets it. (face palm)

Hey Lita’s back and she’s still wicked hot, excellent.  So the award is Divalisious moment and Kelly Kelly wins because she is now a “moment”?  Beth and Natalya come out to get slapped and not fight back.  Everyone is a loser tonight.

Next is the OMG moment and I begin to have flashbacks of the OMG dvd hearing the “oh my god!” bumper between each clip. (terrifying)

So Santino and the newly pushed Bella Twins present the award to Triple H for Tombstoning The Undertaker and not pinning him at Wrestlemania. (musta been a slow year or a lead into promo)  Hey whatyaknow! here comes Triple H with sledgehammer in tow and first actually addresses his mania match with the Undertaker.  He claims the actual OMG moment was that The Undertaker had to be carried out of the ring after their match and that he ended the streak.  Well if the streak was walking unassisted from the ring to the back, then yes streak ended, well done sir.  So then H focuses on his highly anticipated recently announced match by David Otunga during a backstage segment last week that I missed taking a piss, match against Big Sexy at TLC.  So Triple H yells a bunch and makes mean faces and no points.

The Twitter Award: Yes it’s the trending award but my dismissive wank is interrupted by the announcement that everyone up for this award will be in a 4 way match.  Daniel Bryan, Zack Ryder, Dolph Ziggler and Cody Rhodes….um….YES!  Seriously I don’t mean to over state it but holy hell not  a good match…a great match.  This match was awesome, I’m not gonna recap every move but each guy was highlighted to perfection and it ended with a mish mash of finishers and Ziggler squeaking out the win.  After the match Ryder gets the actually award for trending (I really thought they said the winner of the match won the Slammy but who cares)  So Ziggler beats him up for winning a fake award and walks off with the slammy.  Say goodbye to Dolph Ziggler US champion, because next Monday he’s gonna be a main eventer.  woo woo woo. yki.

Cm Punk/Randy Orton vs Del Rio and The Miz.  Solid match with Punk getting beaten up most of the match and no hot tag for Orton because he gets swallowed by the Barrett Barrage and Miz gets the clean win.  After the match Del Rio and Miz use a ladder to take Punk apart.  Good segment over all to build up a CM Punk win at TLC.

Rey Mysterio makes a surprise appearance to give out the final award “Superstar of the year”  I chuckled at the way he mummbled Del Rio’s name (I get it, your a good guy)…so drum roll who is it gonn…..Rey you opened the envelop too close to the camera, it says Cm Punk…just say it. CM PUNK! yay! woo! yay! Well John Laurenitis comes out to claim the award as Cm Punk was deemed unfit to accept awards tonight.  Rey Mysterio scowl in the background as this injustice befalls the man who terrorized him and his family for close a year.

John Cena vs Mark Henry:  This match was of no consequence and was a pretty bori….Holy shit, that’s gotta be Kane! Kane interrupts the match wearing the helmet from the Juggernaut Armor from Call of Duty and choke slams the shit out of John Cena.  He takes off his helmet and reveal a new mask and a new mop (wig).  Where is this going?  No clue, but I liked it.

I’d like to say I’m not trying to be all “old school is better/I love the attitude era” because I’m a huge proponent of making best use of new talent and I enjoy a lot of the newer wrestlers, but I love Kane, for no real intelligent reason besides the fact that he looks like something out of a video game.  Will he feud with Cena? Will he say Mark Henry didn’t injure Kane but resurrected him? is he upset that someone hurt X-Pac?  Hopefully we’ll get some answers Friday.

That’s the show Junkers, it was a tough 3 hours but we got through it, and I won my first week of fantasy football playoffs.  Cena is still not on the card for Sunday which I find perplexing from a marketing stand point but I’m sure there’s a greater reason behind it (doubt it)  The End.


~ by ATOM on December 13, 2011.

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