Raw Review: Muppet Edition.
Well here we go let’s kick off Raw with the return of everyone’s favorite bit from early 2011, The Rock via Satellite. Old grey beard is still on set of Gi Joe 2: Rise of Serpentor (I wish) and he has a long and really boring message for John Cena via Team Bring It. Notable parts were the pauses where you know he’s supposed to stop for crowd reaction but it’s pretty damn silent during his speech. The gist of The Rock’s Steroid fueled speech is he says he won’t team with Cena and then agrees to it because it’s what the people want all in the same sentence. He talks smack about R-Truth and The Miz but you really get the sense that he’s not watching the current product, why would he? After a lot of uncomfortable pauses and super cool catch phrases about Pie he finishes the promo.
Cm Punk/Mark Henry: First my night is made as CM Punk comes out to the ring in the Jack Burton tank-top from Big Trouble in Little China, one of my favorite John Carpenter movies. He does the ninja hand gesture and during the his elbow drop he yells “Its all in the reflexes”
Anywho this match ends quickly; If Punk defeats Mark Henry he gets a title shot, so it makes sense that Del Rio would send Ricardo to the ring and attack Henry with his shoe. Winner: Mark Henry via DQ.
Well here we go with this muppet shit; Kermit and Miss Piggy take the stage to be interrupted by Vickie Gurrero and Jack Swagger as I quietly repeat to myself “please don’t pretend they’re real” So Swagger insults them and then gets out promo’ed by Kermit. Then another Muppett comes out in Santino to chanllege Swagger which must be pretty demoralizing. Then Kelly comes out dressed as Captain Morgan and kisses a puppeteer’s hand. This is our segway into the Divas Slut-tacualar Halloween battle royal. The whole segment was stupid but could have entered absurd but lucky Kermit didn’t beat up Swagger.
A Michael PS Hayes reference by Cole toward Kaitlins Dog the Bounty costume, very enjoyable. Best costume was AJ as Kitana from Mortal Kombat but doesn’t last very long, too bad. The rest of the battle royal is pretty despicable, especially Eve winning and not worth writing about. Alundra Blaze is rolling in her grave.
More Muppett bullshit backstage, and I’m just gonna come out and say it. I didn’t like the muppets as a kid and I don’t like them now. I’m not trying to be too cool for school, I liked and currently enjoy like some pretty juvenile shit, but the muppets never really did it for me. Seeing Sheamus with Beaker I’m sure is just delightful for some people but to me it’s cringe worthy. so I’m sure this is fun and all for people who loved the muppets but I’ve got nothing positive to add to the muppet bits so I think for the rest of the night I’ll just skip em.
Gas Boom vs Cody Rhodes and Wade Barrett which seems like a precarious and useless tag-team which I’m sure is a non-title match is our first full wrestling match. I think it was in poor taste for Evan Bourn to come to the ring in black face…or maybe he took an extra hour in the tanning bed, either way he’s pretty god damn scary looking. Anywho, good to see some wrestling I guess and decent match. Wade Barrett and Cody win the tag team titles….oh wait, non title, my bad. Christian comes out to do a post match beat down for absolutely no good reason except for Sheamus to make an in-ring appearance and set up a 6 man tag for Smackdown, and I for one can’t wait.
Back stage Johnny Ace texts while possing infront of a poster for The Reunion, which well by the look of that photoshop poster, hell maybe that movie is worth my 20 hard earned dollars. He tells Punk the only way he gets a title shot is if Del Rio allows it…seems reasonable.
Brotus Clay promo again and now we see he’s making his debut next week…maybe in the hopes that we forgot he retired Edge by not knowing how to take a spear properly. Thanks again guy.
Big Show/Alberto Del Rio: Decent match for a Big Show bathroom break match. I’m not hatin’ I like Big Show, but it depends on the opponent, the stage, etc. I’m a firm believer that Del Rio could have a good match with a plastic bag and carries it pretty well. Ok I lied this match was kinda boring; The 10:00 match is always the marque match because it usually has to go 20 minutes and you can’t give that match the Big Show. He looked he was gonna pass out when the match was over. The finish was cool but why have Del Rio lose? Anyhow, Cm Punk makes his way to the ring after the match and thankfully he doesn’t high five the Big Show on the way out to the ring; I’m sure some fan’s memorys span a bit farther that 10 minutes ago and remember the feud these two guys had. Punk breaks out the Anaconda Vice to make Del Rio agree to the match at Survivor Series. Don’t be a bully, be a star.
I know I said I wouldnt mention the Muppetts again but if Stone Cold can’t flip people off on WWE TV anymore, then they have no business showing Gonzo’s nose.
Ok again I’m going back on my word but I thought they’d use the Muppetts once like they did Hugh Jackman and Pee-Wee Herman, quick and effective…but the fucking muppetts are used in half the matches and most of the backstage bullshit. ARG!
Swagger/Santino: This match would have sucked on Superstars. I won’t talk about the muppets anymore so I can’t talk about the finish…someone won the match.
It pisses me off because Monday Night Football has been complete garbage this season and WWE really could have capitalized on that with some solid episodes of Monday Night Raw, but its been bullshit for the past 2 months.
Ziggler/Ryder: Well so far this was the match of the night dispite the dead crowd in Atlanta: I’ve said plenty about Ziggler: he’s one of the best wrestlers they have, but I realized tonight, Zack Ryder is pretty solid in the ring as well, he’s very crisp and it makes me mad that he had to get himself in order to get a shot in the ring. It’s just as much a tribute to his hard work as it is the WWE’s lack of developing new stars. Cm Punk did the same thing by creating his own buzz and now he’s a main event face. The finish was a tease that Ryder won but Ziggler had his foot on the rope. This was a good tease because Ryder comes back from that for a clean win non the less. Not for the title though…who defends those anymore.
That’s 3 loses by title holders tonight: Air Boom, Del Rio and Dolph Ziggler and non title matches. I’m not saying pull a TNA and pass the world title around like a dirty whore, but hey once in a while put it up for grabs.
The Michael Cole challenge is skipped, thank christ.
The Miz/John Cena: A reprisal of the mediocre Wrestlemania match between Cena and The Miz. I think this match was better than the Mania match, less drawn out, less Rock, more wrestling. R-Truth tries to do a run in dressed as Skeet Ulrich from Scream but Cena beats him up and gets the clean win over The Miz.
Not much to see here this week, but next week is the long awaited return of Kevin Nash so that’s gotta be a big time Raw…right? No Muppets though.
Tonight’s Raw sucked Walrus balls and I wish I spent Halloween watching this instead.