Movie Remakes. A Pop Junk Retrospective.

It’s become cliche to say Hollywood has run out of ideas; cliche and true.  With fucking board games being optioned as legitimate Hollywood properties we should know that we’re in big trouble and the worse is yet to come.

Starring Eugene Levi and Christopher Mintz-Plasse.

Well with this awful trend yet to come I’ve started to embrace the remakes a little more and just accept them as part of pop culture and film.  Hell they made a shit load of Dracula movies since the 1930’s and no one batted an eye lash.  Well here on PopJunk I’m gonna talk remakes, the good ones, the bad ones and what’s to come in the awful future.  To avoid any bullshit I will cite only movies made in the past ten years since that seems to be the genesis of this movement.

The Good

This movie has spurred much debate over the years but the fact is it’s a good movie.  As good as the original not a fucking chance, but this movie stands alone as a fantastic  visually terrifying horror movie.  Zack Snyder’s debut film and say what you will but he’s a player in Hollywood now.  The story uses key elements from the original but goes places the original doesn’t keeping viewers on their toes.  I stand by this flick as a solid entry in the horror genre.

 

True it’s not a movie but hell it’s better than most movies so I decided that this makes the list.  I myself was never a fan of the original on top of the fact that the stigma of the original had soured me into ever watching this but after a lot of incessant pandering by friends and family I said “fuck it” and gave it a shot.  The first episode of season one “33” is all it took to get me hooked on this show.  It’s more military stratagem  than star wars which is how they should have tried to sell this show. Lasting four seasons and a satisfying ending, this is easily one of the best remakes around.

I’m surprised and knocking on wood that Hollywood has really left alone a lot of the old westerns as far as remakes go, but the two most notable did in fact make this list.  First is the very underrated 3:10 to Yuma.  A movie that I found very engaging with two outstanding performances by Russell Crowe and Christian Bale.  If you haven’t seen this yet, punch yourself in the crotch.

I watched the original in college during a film class and I was trying to be super sophisticated and tried my hardest to get wrapped up in John Wayne’s performance but I’m not gonna lie and say I wasn’t sometimes bored by this movie.  The remake while subtly different stood out as a very good remake.  The Cohen’s deliver per usual and the amazing cast of this film keep you in it all the way.

Ya see we here in Boston like to think we invented everything from Beer Pong to Baseball but it’s just not true.  Most believe that The Departed is an original film based on Whitey Bulger but that’s not true either, it’s a remake of the Hong Kong series Infernal Affairs.  Yet that takes nothing away from this movie as being the very best REMAKE in the last decade.  Even the director of the original couldn’t deny how good thing movie was when asked. “Of course I think the version I made is better, but the Hollywood version is pretty good too. [Scorsese] made the Hollywood version more attuned to American culture.” I must say I agree. They’re both as good as each other.”

 

So Those are the good ones, I decided not to do graphics for the bad ones because ho boy do they come a dime a dozen.  Let me see if I can remember the truly shittiest of the shit.

Clash of the Titans:  No this wasn’t a good movie, stop kidding yourself.  It takes a pile of crap to be deemed less superior to your predecessor when they were using stop and go clay-fuck-animation that looked stupid when I was four.  Now it’s got a charm now, but it was shit.

Planet of the Apes: Holy shit Tim Burton is doing a remake of the Planet of the Apes! is probably what I said when I found out about the movie.  After I saw the movie I said “Fuck Tim Burton Remake of Planet of the Apes! In all seriousness this movie was super boring and had non of chilling elements of the original.

The Longest Yard: I really wanted Burt Reynolds to wake up and kick the shit out of Adam Sandler in this movie.  May I also point out that MOST Adam Sandler movies portray him as “tough”  I Think Zack Braft could give Sandler a run for his money in a street fight, let’s be fucking serious.

Nightmare on Elm Street/Friday the 13th: If a movie has more than 5 sequels, guess what it DOESN’T NEED? A fucking remake.

Godzilla: I know this barely broke my 10 year rule I have to get this off my chest.  The American remake of Godzilla sits at the very top of my list as the absolute worst.  Serious if I could fight a movie this would be the one I would pick.  I was 17 when I saw this and I didn’t have a huge bullshit meter when I comes to movies, I wasn’t a jaded asshole back then and I seriously thought this movie should have been aborted.

The Ugly:  Let’s talk about the ones that aren’t out yet but in production or talks that no one is asking for.

Point Break: They remade this movie, it was called The Fast and The Furious.  Are movie executives that clue-less that any buzz this movie gets now is that nostalgia that permeates from crappy movies we watched as kids.  This movie wasn’t good, it was ridiculous, from Keanu’s line delivery, to Swazy’s hair, to Busey yelling at Keanu about meatball subs “Utah, get me 2!”  Non of these things can be recreated.

Total Recall: Again same rules apply, this movie is ridiculously awesome for reasons that can not be recreated.  There is no return audience for this movie.

The Crow: Yes they are trying desperately to reboot The Crow.  Here’s the deal on why this will not work, and it has nothing to do with Brandon Lee.  This movie was made at the right time, with the right soundtrack and the correct target audience.  On top of the fact that Revenge movies weren’t huge in the 90’s it was a perfect storm.  This will fail the same way the sequels and tv show failed.  (yes there was a show)

Drop Dead Fred: Russell Brand is attached.  Tell me something about him…who decided he was a star?  Who decided he was funny?  He sucks! Make a sequel to Aurthur where he drinks himself to death and Helen Miren rapes his sour corpse. I’ll watch that.

Monster Squad: Please don’t!

Robocop: When Darren Aronofsky was attached I was on board…kinda.  When he bailed, so should have everyone else.  Will a remake be as bloody and unforgiving as the original, doubt it.

The Warriors: A remake of this movie has been in development hell and let’s hope it stays that way.  This is one of my favorite movies of all time and I pray they leave it alone.

So that’s my take on Remakes; Sometimes Effective, mostly bad but I foresee this tread getting worse before it gets better.  Once someone shats out a remake to a remake then we’re in trouble.

SHITTTTT!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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~ by ATOM on September 15, 2011.

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