Conan The Barbarian (2011) Review.

Clash of the 300 Games of Thrones The Barbarian: Vengence.

So there I am, traveling with haste to my movie viewing thrown, two brave companions in tow and I can hardly contain my excitement bursting with a hint of nervousness. I approach the theater to observe that it is currently occupied by only four local peasants. This pleases me for I love an empty theater, it greatly reduces the risk of my $10.00 theater experience being ruined by screaming babies and cell phones. I find a great spot in the middle and we get settled into our seats awaiting “high adventures”.  The final trailer ends and it is time for our feature, CONAN! “between the time when the oceans drank Atlantis and the rise of the suns of Arius…” the opening monologue engulfs me just as all the Conan movies begin, and to my surprise it is done by “God” himself Morgan Freeman. We come to the end of the great monologue with my favorite line “…let me tell you of the days of high adventure.” and like every Conan movie I am preparing to hear the legendary theme by Basil Poledouris come tearing through the speakers, but this is not so. So it begins with great disappointment, like a giant mediocre hand slapping me in the face we get a bland, uniform, and worst of all modern opening theme which pretty much says everything about this movie.

This is my review for Conan The Barbarian. (remake 2011) I’ve been a very big Arnold fan ever since I was very young and Conan the Barbarian is one of my favorite Arnold movies and I have even dabbled into the Robert E. Howard Conan novals created in the 1930’s. When I was first introduced to the actor playing Conan (Jason Mamoa) in this remake I rolled my eyes and said “Bullshit! That’s not Conan!” Then I saw him as Khal Drogo in Game Of Thrones (go watch it now!) and said “Yes, that is Conan!” I began seeing trailers and tv spots and it certainly didn’t look like they were trying to get an Oscar nod but it started to look entertaining enough and me being a big Conan fan I immediately made up my mind about seeing this film. That being said it was pretty much exactly what i thought it would be. Buckets of blood, boobies, grunting, sword swinging, cheesie lines, and mind you all these thing are great, it was just all too simple. Conan’s parents are killed to kick us off, Conan goes off and finds adventure eventually finding a damsel in distress, then the warlord who killed his parents, oh and big surprise the warlord is after this damsel in distress.Battle ensues, Conan saves the day,roll credits, underwhelmed. We’ve seen this a thousand times, going into the movie I thought maybe it was going to follow the story of the books, but this was not the case With the aid of my friend Ted (the biggest Conan fan that i know) with whom i saw the movie with, he informed me that 90 percent of the movie did not follow any of the books. During the entire movie I sat waiting for something different to happen, and then began constructing a better movie in my mind. The good points of the movie is the look of it is spot on, with the set locations and set design. The action scenes are done well, there’s a ton of blood and gore, and some spectacular boobies. (yes I mentioned that twice) Jason Mamoa is pretty good and definitely looks like he knows how to handle a heavy sword ( it’s a movie about dudes in loin clothes, the time for gay jokes has passed). the most awkward and annoying part of this movie was Rose McGowan, I think shes hot but she just did not belong in this movie, really weird wardrobe really weird hair and really no point to her character, just really damn annoying. Stephen Lang plays the villain and he was decent nothing note worthy.  My biggest problem was that there were no nods to the original Conan movies. I was hoping Conan’s sword was going to be the same from the Arnold Conan, it wasn’t. I was hoping the crush your enemies line was going to be in it, it wasn’t. No homages at all, which is what i thought your suppose to do when you do a remake of a great movie, a wink and a nod to the original source material, but nope, nothing. So if your at all a fan of Conan or a fan of these types of movies or have some extra cash and want to sit in an empty theater and want to turn your brain off for a few hours i say check it out….Or don’t and go see Fright Night, I won’t be mad. Ya know what, better yet just save your hard eraned gold, grab a flagon of ale and go watch the original Conan The Barbarian with the Arnold Commentary on. (Worth it!) THE END, ROAR!!!!!!

Conan The Barbarian (2011): C-

E-Train
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~ by ATOM on August 23, 2011.

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